I am the wife of a T1D and it's destroying me
Hello all,
I know I'm a terrible person for this. But I no longer want to be with a diabetic man. He's wonderful when he's in a good place but that is only 5% of the time.
I also must have a huge personality disorder because I get furious u have to worry about him in a way he never has to worry about me.
I have mental illness but one day during one of his rage episodes he told me that my breakdown didn't matter.
No matter how much I try, thinking of being in constant fear and being with someone so weak is a turn off. Especially when my issues don't seem to matter.
I know I'm horrible no need to remind me about that.
@honestVase6763
Hey, Vase. 💜 It sounds like you've been carrying a lot emotionally, and I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and alone in this. Caregiver burnout is real, and it can be exhausting to constantly worry about someone you love, especially when you feel like your own struggles aren't being given the same care or consideration.
I also want to gently point out that T1D isn't an excuse for your husband raging at you or dismissing your mental health. You deserve to have your feelings taken seriously, too. Both of you can be struggling, and both of your struggles can matter at the same time.
You're not a terrible person for feeling exhausted or questioning whether you can continue in this relationship. Feelings aren't the same as actions, and recognizing that you have reached a point where you're struggling doesn't make you cruel. You can love someone and still recognize that the relationship, as it currently stands, is hurting you.
I hope you can give yourself permission to consider what you need, too, rather than focusing entirely on what your husband needs from you. You deserve support, understanding, and a relationship where you feel emotionally safe, not one where you feel like your own pain has to take a back seat.
If you're comfortable sharing, do you feel like you have anyone in your life who supports you through all of this, or have you been feeling like you have to carry it all on your own? 💜
@Remina I've been dealing with it alone. He's from the UK I'm in the US and I've spent my entire savings on the visa and.all our travels to meet. I can't believe he would treat me this way
@honestVase6763
I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all of this alone, Vase. 💜 It sounds like you've put so much into this relationship, financially, emotionally, and through the time and effort you've spent traveling to see him. Spending your savings and making those sacrifices to be with someone takes a lot of commitment, and I can imagine how painful it must be to feel like that effort isn't being appreciated or reciprocated. You deserve to feel valued and cared for, too.
I wonder if he has come to take you and everything you do for the relationship for granted. I don't want to make assumptions about your relationship, but I can understand why you'd feel hurt and even betrayed when you've invested so much and are now feeling so alone in return.
If you don't mind me asking, how long have you two been married? And was he always this inconsiderate toward your feelings, or is this something that has developed more recently? I'm wondering whether this is a pattern you've been dealing with for a long time or if something has changed between you. 💜
@Remina we will be married a year on my favorite holiday. Halloween. He was like this in the beginning but tried to change but it's like it only lasts so long and all I want is to know he cares but asking him anything is like setting off a fuse
@honestVase6763
I'm so sorry you've been dealing with these issues, Vase. 💜 It's not fair that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own marriage just to avoid setting him off. It sounds exhausting to constantly worry about his reactions when all you're looking for is reassurance that he cares about you. I can understand why part of you is questioning whether you can continue in a relationship that leaves you feeling this way.
It's also hard when someone makes an effort to change, but that change only lasts for a little while before the same patterns return. You deserve consistency, not just brief periods of feeling cared for before things go back to how they were.
If you're comfortable sharing, how long were you together before you got married? And do you have children, shared property, or other financial ties together that might make leaving more complicated if you ever decided that was what you needed to do? I'm not assuming that you'll leave, but I want to understand your circumstances a little better, especially since you've mentioned spending your savings on the relationship. You deserve to know that you have options, whatever you ultimately decide. 💜
@Remina we moved fast, I should have slowed down we knew other for about a year prior.he was actually after my friend.eft me for another girl ad I still forgave him
Thank you so much for your support
@honestVase6763
You're so welcome, Vase. 💜 Sometimes relationships move faster than we expected, and it's easy to look back and wish we'd slowed down. Please try not to be too hard on yourself for the decisions you made with the information and feelings you had at the time.
I do want to gently reflect something back to you, though. From what you've shared, I wonder if it's really that you don't want to be with a man who has diabetes anymore, or if you're exhausted from being in a relationship where you don't feel cared for, heard, or emotionally safe. T1D doesn't make someone less worthy or incapable of having a fulfilling relationship, but it also doesn't mean their partner's needs should come second or that hurtful behavior should be excused.
You can have compassion for what he experiences with his health while still recognizing that your feelings matter, too. You shouldn't have to feel afraid to ask your husband for reassurance or worry that expressing your own struggles will set off a fuse. You deserve to be able to communicate with your partner without feeling like you're walking on eggshells.
And the fact that you forgave him in the past and continued investing in the relationship says you've been willing to give this a chance. But you don't have to keep proving your love by sacrificing your own well-being. You matter in this marriage, too. 💜
I hope you can give yourself some grace while you work through these feelings. You don't have to figure everything out today, and you don't have to make any decisions before you're ready.
@Remina his T1D would be no issue if he didn't personally attack me when o ask if he's OK. Or hangup abd turn his phone off so I can't reach him. Or result to personal attacks.
I respect his resilience his daily struggle and I know he will have bad days but he disappears if I have 1. My brother is a T1D so I see him as my husband first not his condition. I know many type 1s face horrible stigma but I just love him
@honestVase6763
I understand what you mean, Vase. 💜 And I think it's important to separate his T1D from how he treats you. His condition is one thing, but personally attacking you when you ask if he's okay, hanging up on you, and turning off his phone so you can't reach him are separate behaviors. You can respect his resilience and understand that he has difficult days without having to accept being treated that way.
What stands out to me is that you seem willing to make room for his bad days, but when you have a bad day yourself, you feel like he disappears instead of offering you that same understanding. That's a really lonely place to be in a marriage. You deserve to have someone who can support you, too, rather than feeling like you're the only one holding space for both of you.
I'm glad you see your husband as a person first and don't define him by his condition. That speaks to the compassion you have for him. But I also want you to remember that loving someone doesn't mean you have to overlook how their actions affect you.
Can I ask you something? When you look beyond what he says and focus on what he actually does, do you feel loved by him? Are there consistent actions that make you feel valued, supported, and cared for, or do you find yourself holding on to the moments when things are good and hoping they'll last? I'm asking because you deserve to feel loved in practice, not just to love someone deeply yourself. 💜
@Remina also thank you so much for such a thoughtful response 💕
@honestVase6763
You're welcome! 💜
