Distant brother
Re-posting here because wasn't getting any response
Hey,
My older brother and I overall have a good relationship, but he has a habit of kind of ghosting me. idk if it is an introvert or avoidance thing or what, but since I don't have a good relationship with my parents, it would really help me to connect with him more. He does live in a different state pretty far away which limits meeting in person.
I texted him about 4 days ago asking if he wanted to watch a show over zoom and said I would like to connect more often if he feels up to it. He hasn't replied to it and it's been 4 days. He has ignored my messages before but then sometimes will respond again if I try contacting him multiple times and try different methods like skype, email, text. (And I don't mean he doesn't respond right away, like a month will go by). It is annoying though. I thought this message would help directly communicate I want to connect more, but now I don't know what to do and I don't know if it means he doesn't want to connect. Should I try to express that I feel frustrated with the ghosting behavior...but also he could just then ghost that message :/ -__-My counselor suggested calling him. Maybe I need to communicate to him more directly that I am feeling frustrated.
@Daydreamer47
Hello,
I can understand wanting to feel more connected to your brother. Given that he is in a different state, it must be difficult. Watching a show over zoom sounds like such a wonderful way of connecting and spending more time together! What are your thoughts about your counselors suggestion? 💜
@innateJoy9602 I am just afraid he won't pick up, and I will have to leave a message and then he still won't reply, but it's worth a try I guess.
@innateJoy9602 I called and left a message and tried to express a little bit of how I feel, that I feel frustrated that he hasn't responded and if it is a bad time he can just let me know and communicate that.... He hasn't texted me or called me back though.
@Daydreamer47,
why do you say he is ghosting you? It is not ghosting, ghosting is something totally different and the phrase is abused too often when we crave for attention and don't get it.
Apparently, your brother has different view regarding the relationship between the two of you.
The harder you reach out, the further you might push him away.
Focus on you first, and try to find others to connect to. Respect his views.
@dukeofdearham I mean, he doesn't reply at all for like a month or basically until I message him again. He could say something like "Sorry it's a bad time; I'll get back to you." Not replying at all is a bit disrespectful and hurtful in my opinion since I am putting in the effort to connect with him. My feelings matter too.
I mean I think he is introverted/avoidant so I do want to respect his space, but pretty much we only connect when I reach out because he is so shy sometimes. I wish we could have an open conversation about how often/how we could connect but he is too avoidant to even have that conversation...So yeah I just have to give it some time I guess
@Daydreamer47,
he is not responsible for your feelings. I do understand how hard it can be though reaching out and getting no response.
Do not take it personal. It might just be how he is. And he might feel different about the relationship. Worst to do is to push him. After all, it is you who have needs. You can't expect him to fill in your needs. That is something you have to do yourself.
@dukeofdearham I did not say he was responsible for my feelings, but I am allowed to
advocate for myself and express when I feel frustrated or disrespected. I also can't read his mind about what he wants if he doesn't tell me. While he is not obligated to connect with me, I think he is being
inconsiderate by not even responding, and I would not treat someone else that way, because I know it can be hurtful. I always try to tell people if it's not a good time or I can't talk. I have not pushed him at all; I literally just asked him if he wants to watch a tv show. I am allowed to express what I want and he can always say no if he doesn't want to connect. I feel pretty frustrated and angry at your response, because I was looking for a non-judgmental space to receive support and receive some empathy. I don't think further responses will be helpful to me.
@Daydreamer47,
I did not judge. I was plainly saying people can feel pushed, obligated, without you being aware. Often we act out of emotions, our emotions, and take things personal when we don't get the response we tell ourselves we need.
I don't take sides, just trying to make you aware of self. Apparently you have a situation you cannot change, so you have to accept it for what it is.