How to help a friend - depressed/possible BPD
Thank you for clicking on my post and apologies for the long text. I'm an overthinker and I never was good in keeping my thoughts short 😊
It's about a friend that really got me confused. We met during a challenging phase for him; he recently broke up with his girlfriend and due to his abandonment issues, it hit him hard. But he opened up to me really quickly (which he normally never does) about all the dark phases in his life, and we shared our experiences with mental health struggles (I had OCD and am experienced with depression myself). It turned out, he has always had underlying depression and unresolved abandonment issues, his dad left the family early. He was the type of person that always relied heavily on company and confirmation from outside/making others responsible for his well-being. But on the other hand he also insisted that he doesn't want to burden anyone with his problems.
We texted multiple times a day about random stuff, complex questions about life, depression, and total nonsense. We also phoned and hung out a couple of times. It was very comfortable, and I felt that we could talk about anything. Then he started pushing me away, cancelling hangouts due to “being in his own head”, full of thoughts, or feeling unstable. Once he also hit a wall due to feeling numb and talked to a stranger the whole night, hence cancelling our hangout, which hurt me a lot cause I felt replaced. But since I made my own experience, I'm very understanding and empathetic, so I never accused him of anything (still told him that it’s confusing and hurting, but that I try to grasp his POV) and was trying to be patient, especially since he then lost his job. He told me that he liked hanging out with me one day, and the other day he was like "I just want to be alone," pushing me away, and he was always very inconsistent - promising activities or actions and then not following through, etc. He always said he's sorry that he's hurting me, that he doesn’t want to be the person doing this to me and it’s triggering him that he’s hurting me. Also that he desperately wants some stability back, that he never felt like this before and that it’s too much to cope. Also that it’s nothing against me, but inside him and that he feels all of a sudden very anti-social, hermitting and that he’s just been focusing on himself (which consisted merely of playing video games). Still he promised to work on his confuisng behavior & text at least back. And then, after his birthday, he completely withdrew, didn't answer my texts to check-in or my calls. After one month of silence, I reached out again and he told me, "I'm not making excuses for my actions, I hope you know I've been ignoring mostly everyone I know. I've been noticing attitude issues; I just snap and become angry without a reason. Please understand that, when I'm a bit better, we can talk."
I sent him some follow-up texts, assuring him that I'm not mad and here whenever he wants to reconnect, a longer email, random stuff that reminded me of him to shift the conversation, and even a cute gift via mail. But I didn't get any response, and it's been three months of silence now.I can see that he’s online at least twice a day, so at least he hasn’t done anything to himself. What confused me also is that he called once out of the blue (normally, he would ask before if I was free to call) but didn't reply to my attempts to call back or tell me what he wanted. He also posted a pic I send him via Whatsapp once on ***, not mentioning me which I don't mind, but giving me also more ???
I'm pretty sure it's not personal, and he was honest with withdrawing in general, but I'm very clueless how to proceed and I just want to understand. Should I continue reaching out or is it likely that he’s overwhelmed then? I really care about him and don’t want to make him feel like he’s given up on.
But I can’t deny that I’m also hurt and felt used, especially since we talked about so much dark stuff before and when he felt depressed, he used to at least tell me that he’s in no good state or say no to my proposals, but the total silence is really hard to understand and I’m not even sure if I’m right with my assumption. Perhaps he found a new job and needs all his enery for that, I really don’t know. Also, apart from him feeling angry, I don't know if he feels numb or anything else. But it's hard to imagine that feeling angry and snapping is enough reason to not even send a one-liner anymore?
And is it, given the background, possible that he's suffering from BPD and not only depression? The mood changes, the fact that he’s been feeling empty and the deep abandonment issues make me wonder a lot. I’ve been researching in both directions, but it’s kind of overlapping. It would explain why we were so close in the beginning, when he felt a bit more stable, and now perhaps the bad phase took over again?
If anyone has any insight of how to explain this behavior, I'd be grateful. I know that in the end, it's his decision and everyone copes differently, but the lack of communication is making it really hard.
@Katzentraum
some people when they have a dark time and share deeply they may feel too vulnerable around the person they shared that much with.....perhaps they feel they shared too much...
there is also the possibility that in attempts to change some people think cutting out all friends and people from their dark phase is needed ......
these are 2 of the tons of possibilities of why a person goes silent but it is more about the phase he is in not you..... I know it is hard to want the best want to know he is doing well ....but sometimes we do not get that follow up.
you are a good friend and support and can be there if he needs help again........ but let him go until he wants to contact so it is comfortable for him