I tried
A little over a decade ago, I decided to stop talking to someone who I wasn’t compatible with. Then I moved on with my life to the point that I completely forgot about her. Well, the other day, I remembered her and looked her up on social media. I also attempted to put the ball in her court by liking a few of her posts.
Well, she was very upset and responded in a very passive aggressive manner. This was by creating a couple of videos where she lip synced to a few songs about how I was leading her along and that I didn’t care about her. She also created a video about finding content about not wanting to have anything to do with anyone who pushed her away. Meanwhile, she didn’t directly talk to me about it.
So I talked to my counselor who told me to move on. I just decided not to respond to her.
@Summershy also go to my very first post. Read it, I think it’ll resonate with you
Hi, I can’t find it
@Summershy
I guess putting the ball in her court actually helped you remember why you felt you weren't compatible in the first place.
I agree, for one thing she wasn’t a good friend to me. There were many times where she make it seem like she wanted to do things with me. Then if someone else was around who was of more interest, she would run off with them and ignore me.
As an example , we got together for a New Year’s Eve Sleep over at my house. She was more interested in my sister than me. She even decided to sleep in her room over mine. I was really mad the next day too.
There were times where I uninvited her to things when she wanted to bring her other friends along. Yes, she had a fit too.
She would also only contact me when it was convenient for her. Otherwise, she has all these other friends and people who were more important.
Finally, she would get very nasty if I told her that she wasn’t a good friend and then turn things back on me.
@Summershy
I understand. All the examples you've mentioned show that she didn't respect or value the friendship and it was more of a convenience for her to have you as a backup plan when nothing else was happening. It makes sense for you to protect yourself from that.
I also cut off the friendship for the wrong reasons as well.
For example, both of us so have disabilities and both of us looked to peruse our education. While I was self determined and go and get an education, she kept attempting to go to school bragging she was going to do this or that. However, she kept whining and quitting.
For example, she started going to a 4 year college to pursue psychology while having this big plan in place. Well the next thing I know, she dropped out because she struggled with the blended learning style. I got so mad at her because she just started and gave up too soon. So she told me that she was going to attend a different school studying early childhood education.
When I tried giving her suggestions, all she saw was a half empty glass. So I cut it off and called her a whiner and a quitter and that she needed to get off her butt and apply herself. After she left me a very nasty voice mail.
”I am sick of your crap and if you ever try to befriend me again I will xyz.”
@Summershy
That sounds like a really hard time you both had trying to build a future against so many odds. Thing is, the ability to fight through those struggles, and the bandwidth to stretch beyond our comfort zones is a very individual characteristic. What seemed like easy/early quitting to you might indeed have been a massive challenge for her. We don't all feel the same objective amount of pain in the same way, some of us are programmed to feel/sense it much greater or less than others. While I understand that her negativity was draining to you and understandably you opted out because you needed to focus on your own goals, I wouldn't be so quick to judge her a quitter because we don't know the entire story of her struggle, only she knows that.
That was a long time ago and no I didn’t understand her situation and that was wrong on my part. However, she was a negative person and overly dramatic about everything. Additionally, I have moved a long ways away from her 6 years earlier and she has become more of a minor acquaintance by then. So I cut it off.
However, she did try to re-add me on social media a year and a half later but at that point I told her it was a bad idea and that we were just going to keep fighting.
Correction, I had move a long ways away from her 6 years earlier., which was in 2003. That disagreement was in 2009.
However, she tried to re-add me in 2010 but because she wasn’t a good friend to me along with her not owning up to her actions, and throwing childish is the tantrums, I finally said no,
@Summershy
I understand. I guess this also makes a bit more clear her reaction to your likes. The whole song lip sync about someone who doesn't care for her or her feeling pushed away etc.
I do believe you, if there was direct conversation under these circumstances, there would probably be more drama or a fight because there's so much that was unsaid and not really understood by either side at the time.
It's perfectly alright to take care of yourself first and protect yourself from drama. Have you reflected upon why you might have initiated that indirect contact through likes after all these years?
Yes, I realize that I may have been more supportive now. For example, I may have wondered what accommodations this university could have offered her. Maybe, she was also too scared to talk to her professors and other peers about getting support.
@Summershy
Ah I understand. Yes, with time and experience, we learn to see things differently.
However, I shared her videos with a few friends and mine thought she didn’t look like a nice person while the other felt that she looks like someone who is mad at the world.
However, I can see why she might be mad at the world and that’s because she’s been let down so many times
- It didn’t work out for her to go to college
- She trouble finding work and if she did, there was trouble holding onto a job.
- She’s had trouble finding real friends who were bad news.
- Her dad was an alcoholic but they were close
@Summershy
It probably doesn't help her that people want to judge her whole life and character based upon a 2 min video either.
Kudos to you for stepping out of your own emotions related to the past events and being able to have some compassion for her circumstances, despite her drama and behaviour.
Thanks
However, I did a chance to think about my past friendship with her. For example, she’s very immature.
A. We were not on the same wavelength in a lot of ways.
B. We both tried to make it work when she wasn’t that interested in me.
C. I was at the bottom of her list
@Summershy
Perhaps you're right, there were multiple reasons why the friendship did not work out. The end didn't need to be so abrupt and confusing, but it's understandable that you needed to protect your goals at the time. Even now, it doesn't look like she has learnt new ways of communicating reasonably from the way she responded to your simple contact initiation.
You've been thinking a lot about her and what happened. What would you like as an ideal case scenario for next steps?
Well, after I moved away we gradually drifted apart and stopped talking as often. This was especially since I met other people and got busy with my own life. During the last two times we connected, there were a couple gaps oil years where we did not speak to each other. Then the last time, we reconnected where she was going to this university one minute with these goals. Then the next, it seemed like she dropped out and was going into a new direction.
As for communicating, she gets very defensive easily and loses her temper of things don’t go her way.
As for next steps, I am going to stop watching her social media and just leave her alone. I may write her a letter and apologize about not being supportive in her education. However, I was mad at her for being flaky.
@Summershy
Yes, that letter is a great idea. Whether or not she is in the mindspace currently to understand the genuine thoughts behind the acknowledgement and apology, it still has the power to bring you closure and allow you to move forward with no regrets.
All the best for your future!
