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Summershy
5 186,225 M Achieving Goals 4
PathStep 712 Compassion hearts12,778 Forum posts1,458 Forum upvotes1,736 Current upvotes1,736 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2026 Member sinceJune 3, 2014
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Accepting that I am grieving
Grief & Loss / by Summershy
Last post
 4 hours ago
...See more I recently came to realize that all the anger that I feel is out of grief.   That said, I am dealing with a different kind of loss 1. Loss of loving relationships because just about everywhere I turn, there has been some sort of abuse or bullying 2. Loss of having the same relationships and opportunities as my peers  I have been finding myself crying more than feeling anger and rage. Trigger warning  E.G- I am grieving the loss of having a healthy relationship with my boss and my other co-workers at a previous job.  This was supposed to be part of a work program for disabled employees too.  That said, the boss only created that opportunity so she could exploit them.   Not only did I face bullying and emotional abuse, but sexual harassment as well.  I was also treated like an outsider while the boss was inclusive to just about everyone else.    She also didn't care what she did either.
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Videos of Napal
Trauma Support / by Summershy
Last post
 September 2nd
...See more Hi: I recently watched a few videos about what is happening in Napal.  When I watched one of the videos for the first time yesterday, no emotion.   You see, I am autistic and my mind processes information differently.   That said, I went back and re-watched that video again today and felt traumatized this time. 
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Three week period of mourning wrapped up early this year
7 Cups Online Therapy / by Summershy
Last post
 July 31st
...See more Note: There are TW in here about religion: Backstory: I am a Messianic believer, means that while I belive in Christ as a savior, I also follow the Hebrew or biblical calendar. Every year, we observe a period of mourning, praying, reflecting, and fasting.   During this time, we follow certain restrictions which is very grueling at times.  The whole experience also feels like I am living in another dimension.  I also seem to forget about everything else that goes on in life.  Then once they end, it's like I forget all about the three weeks as if they never happened.  Being that the Hebrew calendar is different than the Gregorian Calendar, this period moves around every year.   During this year, the three weeks started on July 1 and ended last Friday at noon.  Usually, the three weeks start mid july and end early to mid August.   So, being that the three weeks have wrapped up early this year, it feels weird.  I keeping thinking that the fast is coming but it's done.  Still, it's nice to get back to my life early.  At the same time, I have already forgotten about the three weeks and what happened.     In talking to my therapist, she said that my brain is protecting itself from the stress of that time.
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Looking out for a friend
Relationship Stress / by Summershy
Last post
 July 24th
...See more Over the weekend, I happened to catch up with someone who I took a break from.    While she and I had a great time,  I noticed a few things going on between her and someone who I thought was her best friend. * While I did not attend her 30th birthday,  her  "Best friend" didn't attend, even though he was invited.  Instead, he went to a housewarming party, which I also attended * Meanwhile only two of my best friends were there for her.   * One of those best friends also had his birthday one week after her birthday and this "Best friend" and his circle seem to make time for his event * When I caught up with my friend, she didn't mention anything about being hurt about her birthday. Instead, she said that she does always have time for his events.   She also said that she wants to go from being his best friend to a more casual friend.  When were were talking, she seemed to note that * He's controlling  * He lacks empathy * He can't seem to read the room and can't seem to understand when certain things are inappropriate.  * I told her that he tends to create drama and gave me one of those sighing "Yeah"  While she didn't open up about how hurt she feels, I know she is because said no on my friend's birthday invite.    Yet, when my friend, who attended her birthday, had a get together at his place, she came.  
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Multiple types of grief hit me hard over the weekend
Grief & Loss / by Summershy
Last post
 July 2nd
...See more Over the weekend, I had dealt with a lot of bottled up emotions and tried to keep in check.    It was when I attempted to volunteer at an event with some really rude people that these bottled up emotions just exploded.   It happened when I was trying to take a break in the kitchen and our team lead was being very rude and controlling.  I ended reaching a breaking point and threw my unopened bottle of sports drink on the floor and shouted "Leave me alone!" at her.   Though someone asked if I was ok, I firmly said no and went somewhere private to cry.  1. This past weekend was father's day and I was left out of my dad's funeral 2. Then I have been grieving over a lot of other disappointments like driving a car, having trouble making friends, being accepted, and lots of other types of loss.
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Movie theater drama from my aunt and a respite provider
Trauma Support / by Summershy
Last post
 June 10th
...See more Dear diary: A few months prior to moving out of my aunt's house,  a respite provider, who took me to and from the bus quit on my aunt and I.  Why? It also started when I invited her to go see a movie with me at a value cinema as a way of saying "Thank you."  Because she had such a rigid schedule and was taking care of another client, I had to limit my options in movies.  At the time, I felt like I had to bend over backwards for her and her other client's needs.   She even had me schedule the time for us to meet up for the movie., Being that I was there early and wanted to enjoy the outing, another movie was playing and so I decided to catch the first hour and call her to leave a message about it.   I also made a habit of checking my phone but was not hearing from her so I decided to watch the entire movie.   When the movie got out,  I found two voicemails from her. 1. The first when she not until she was sitting in her seat at the cinema 2. The second one was a "Where are you? I have to find you' Meanwhile, my aunt also called me and said that this provider also called and she had mall security and theater staff looking for me, in a very angry tone telling me that what I did was "Unacceptable"   Shortly after that, the provider had the nerve to humiliate me by treating 27 year old me like a child and outright punish me,    This was where she pulled me away from the cinema, threw a tantrum and basically accusing me of breaking my promise and standing her up.    Yet, there were other times where she made it clear she didn't care about me and nor did she really seem to have time for me, -For example: My aunt's house flooded earlier that week but she could not be bothered to come and help me with the mess.  Two other floods were way more important. 
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Accepting that my aunt was abusive
Trauma Support / by Summershy
Last post
 June 19th
...See more Once upon a time: I lived with my late aunt between 2003-2009 and while she had great qualities, the woman was a covery narcissist.  She was never supportive and was never warm, fuzzy or genuine.  There were times where she would outright abuse me for "Not doing things her way."    Though controlling me worked for a while, I eventually became too independent for her grasp which led to a conflict that eventually had me moving out.  To her, I was the one with the problem who was selfish and self-absorbed while the gravy train came to a screeching halt or so she put it. What's more is that the tension between us began growing in July of 2009 when I turned on her computer in her office to try and log onto the internet when she was not home. What was the purpose of that?  I was logging into her internet so I could sign up for fall classes, which failed.  Additionally, I decided not to tell her, which I now know was wrong.   When she came home on that Monday, suddenly she was betrayed and could not trust me.   After that, the outbursts, the belittlement, name calling tensified.   Suddenly everything I did that bothered her either made me stupid or a know it all. Othertimes, I was the controlling one.   Yet, whatever the reason one, suddenly I was walking on eggshells around her.  For instance, I would make calls on my cell to a friend during peak times on my phone which led to a surcharge.    During that moment when I was dying my hair and looking for some peace, she yelled at me while the door was closed.   At at this time that I told her that I could not keep stepping on eggshells around her.   After that, she first began telling me that she could not live with me anymore.  After that, things became more and more certain that my days living with her were over.   While, I felt sad and scared, the more I liked the idea and moved out 3 months later.  However, no more abuse, no more bullying, no more tears, just peace.  Still, there is something you should know and while there were more rumblings in years but I will save that for another time.    However, she died a year after that second set of rumblings that left me going no contact with her.   Still, I feel haunted by what the mess she put me through and I am here crying today, which is ok.  Love Summershy 
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Over 16 years later
Trauma Support / by Summershy
Last post
 June 8th
...See more After revisiting a situation 16 and a half years later, I have been crying as if everything yesterday.    Not only did I face emotional and narcissistic abuse from late aunt but also from a respite provide who she was paying at the time. Everything started in late September, early Oct, 2009, they two made my life a living nightmare. Respite provider situation * While my aunt took a two week vacation, I stayed at her house while the provider was being paid to take me to and from the bus along with assisting me with anything else.   While she seemed nice enough, she really was not interested in me and nor did she seem to care about me.  She was just provided me a ride to the bus.   Otherwise, everyone and everything else was more important.  1.  At the start of the second week, we had heavy thunderstorms overnight which brought in major flooding.   While one part of my aunt's house flooded, the water was in inches but when I called the provider, she dismissed me with "Thanks for letting me know, call me if you need anything."  When I called her and asked her to help me later,  her friend and her neighbor were a higher priority.  "Oh well, I can't come. My neighbor and a friend of mine have more water than your aunt's house. I mean, we are talking about feet, you're talking inches and so I can't come"  2. Then later that week, I invited her to join me for a movie as a last hurrah and a way of saying "Thank you."   While she agreed to come, she was taking care of another client who she had a meeting for first.    Even though I planned to take to one movie, her client's needs came first.  "Oh well, my client can't handle all that noise, let's go to another movie because he has to be in bed at a certain time." At the time, I felt trapped and decided to catch the first hour of another movie beforehand because it was one of those value cinemas.  So I called and left a message for the provider that I was in the movie and would be there for an hour while checking my phone.   Yet, I didn't see any calls, I eventually watched the rest of the movie.     When I exited the theater,  there were three voicemails on my phone, which two were from the provider and one from my aunt.   At that point, both my aunt and this provider management to humiliate and make me feel bad by accusing me of standing "The poor woman up."  Additionally, the provider had the nerve to stir up the pot by having the movie theater staff and the security look for me at the tiny mall.     When we finally caught up,  the provider punished me by treating me like a child and managing to have all of us leave the cinema.   She also said that she was quitting on me because of what "I pulled on her"   Meanwhile, here I was apologizing. "You know, you said that a million times but like I said," I am done!"  She also told me afterwards, when getting back to her house  "You could have just walked out to the theater and told me you were watching that other movie and then went to catch the rest of it.  You could have even watched another movie afterward. I would have gladly picked you up too."   Yet, this was never discussed with me At that point, I told her "I should have suggested we could see Up instead and it was "You know I cannot except that," You said you were going to see Ice Age since I am a Scrat fan anyway"  When I tried telling her how I felt about having a respite provider it was "Are you having a pity party?"    Well, when her girlfriend came to watch her other client, she dropped me off at my aunt's house. Meanwhile, I was vulnerable and crying and told her not to leave me.  "Call one of your buddies but call me if you need anything"  Meanwhile, I went inside and was so confused thinking it was my fault and broke into hysterics and cried so hard, I started throwing things.  I even grabbed a bottle of wine and got drunk that night.  However, I called a friend in the morning and explained everything who assured me what happened was not my fault.  😿
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