Making friends in a community you used to be in
This is going to be long, so bare with me a bit LOL
But to backtrack, I used to be part of a community called the "youtaite community" it's basically people who sing and do vocal covers of anime and vocaloid songs and post them on youtube. I was part of the community around 7-8 years ago, when I was 15-18. I made a lot of friends during that time, if anything it was only during that time in my life where I had a large circle of best friends during that time and somewhere where I can confidently say where I felt like home and they were my true friends. I've been trying to find that same community and friends like becoming a vtuber, joining clubs irl, and just finding apps on phone to make new friends, or joining other communities to fill that void, that same yearning of that same feeling of feeling home as the same feeling I had when I was in the youtaite community, but nothing ever felt the same.
But during the time I was active in the youtaite community 8 years ago, not everything was just happy and bubbly memories. Most of us were teenagers and slowly transitioning to early college life during that time, but despite that mentally we all still had the mentality of back when we first started the youtaite community like a 16 year old for example. Though the youtaite community was also not always 100% a good community like all communities, there's drama, toxicity, and etc. In a sense if I were to compare to irl, it's smt similar to like online high school life in the youtaite community basically.
I had both good and bad memories of the community I'm fond of. Good memories where I met my first best friends where I have a fully support group back in the day, where I felt everyday was a happy day making song covers, talking to friends everyday happily. Also moments where I found out my first girlfriend during the time did some diabolical manipulation to see me suffer that made her happy and friends that used me and talked behind my back or take me down with them, in the community 8 years ago.
and the year before I started college I decided to leave the community, because so many trauma and backstabbing has happening, I literally needed a break from this community to heal. I also want to note that back then in highschool I didn't have a therapist nor did my friends, so we only vented towards each other and now noticing that wasn't such a good idea for both of us back then. and back then I would vent to 5 or 6 of my best friends almost like weekly with something that goes on the community or something happened where a ex friend treated me horribly or something or like relationships within the community or something. and looking back to it now, I can say a lot of my friends including me were extremely mentally ill back then and looking at it now we definitely had a lot of things we needed a therapist to unpack a lot of things so we can unravel all the things that has messed us up in the community.
So going back to leaving the community because I needed a break from it. It was so suffocating and traumatizing, that I kinda just ghosted and dissappear for an entire year to most of my 6 best friends and also other close friends without saying anything. I was just too overstimulated of 4 years constantly in fear of the community of what has happened, was in flight or fight mode basically. and it wasn't great of me to act that way looking back. Even though I was 18, I should've acted more mature and that's no excuse for what I did for ghosting everyone that was close to me. There's probably a lot of other memories I feel I know that are there, but I can't remember because it's been so long and some of them are just so painful to remember, my mind might've shut those memories out probably. During the time i ghosted everyone, it was also during that time I was about to move to Taiwan to study abroad for an entire year, and I just thought maybe this can be like a restart of my life or something.
Fast forward 1 year later, (this would be around 5 years ago from now) study abroad didn't work so I came back to study where I live. One day I felt nostalgic of the past memories of being part of the youtaite community even though I have mixed feelings of it, but I reached out. and now noticing how inconsiderate, passive aggressive, and self-vitictimizing I was back then. I would go back to one of my past friends and I noticed they dont talk like we used to and when we talk to each other they just seem so dead and uninterested talking to me even though they did follow up messages. During the time I was upset why they were acting this way and kept pushing and asking questions why they are acting this way and saying stuff like im trying to fix it and theyre not putting effort in. But now noticing how unsensitive, I would say manipulative to a certain extent? and inconsiderate I was. I was still the person who was self cetenered thinking about myself, not about other people's perspective. Of course they won't be the same, I was the one who ghosted them for an entire year when I meant someone that was a best friend to them and me acting like this makes them feel like I'm entitled to something. I still regret to this day what I have done back then, I'll talk about the improvement and self growth a bit later.
So that situation happened and also when I was still active in the youtaite community, like how I mentioned I would vent to my close friends? At some point everything was so stressful in the community where I would be literally venting almost everyday. Back then I didn't know it wasn't normal nor was it a bad thing, because I've seen my friends venting often in that community so I thought it was normal. But slowly over time, my friends started texting less and less to unfriending me and now understanding how much of a emotional vampire I was. Just draining their energy and i wasn't improving back then, I was just being co dependent on them instead of trying to work on my own individual self imprvoment.
And there was another time where I had a close friendship with a friend but because they did some hurtful things and I didn't anywhere to vent to, I vented in a *** channel we were in together, and then they got hurt because in a way I backstabbed them talking behind their back instead of communicating, and it went from there to being passive aggressive to fixing the friendship. But ofc it won't go back to the things were again, but we did reach a peaceful resolution and went from there to them checking on me from time to time and over time they unfriended and we don't talk anymore.
Over these 8 years, I've healed from both the hurt and trauma I have experienced in the community and if I were to meet any of those ex friends or the people who wrought me wrong, I would forgive them. We were all teengers back then, so we didn't think a lot of things through. We did a lot of things through emotions without thinking it out properly. But that still doesn't excuse for what I did to my friends, how toxic I was, how I ghosted so many of them, how the day I backstabbed my friend back then happened on their birthday, and how much of a horrible person I was back then. I don't that changes even though throuhgout these 8 years I have changed old habbits, become more considerate, open minded, and more understanding compared to who I was back in high school. I know I'll never be forgiven and I plan to live with that guilt and pain and even if they do forgive me, the fear and memory will still be there and that's understandable. and I know the best course is that if you're not able to ammend the situation, the best you can do is to just let them exist in peace and don't be near them so they don't resurface painful memories of you.
This is a lot of backstory, but I needed all this backstory to explain and ask the question I wanted to ask.
Before I joinined the youtaite communiuty 8 years ago, singing was always my hobby and my coping method and where I felt grounded, specifically vocaloid and anime songs, and ecspecially in the youtaite community. and my main question is that I I tried so many communities and nothing has worked these past 8 years, and I want to try to go back to the youtaite community. It was once where I felt my true friends were and where I always longed for, but because of this whole situation I explained above, everyday I'm constantly thinking both good and memories if to go back or not.
I know a lot of people who feel if they wronged someone before, that person will never change and it doesn't matter if they did improve, it doesn't mean anything and if they were part of some community, no matter how much self improvment they're not allowed in the community ever again whether its 1 year, 5 years, or even 20 years.
I did talk to my current best friends about this and they said it happened 8 years ago and people can change and something 8 years ago shouldn't have to make you decide thats who youre forever going to be and can't continue your hobby because of that.
I plan to go under a new alias for covering songs in the youtaite community if i do go back, but I'm still wavering if it's a good idea. Like I want to feel that same closeness I had in that community a long time ago, but at the same time if they were to hear my voice under my new alias there's a chance they might remember who I was before and bad memories might resurface for them and most likely might get gossiped out of the community as I know some of them are still in the community. I just want to have at least 1 month of being of the community at the very least if I end up getting outcasted from the community. I know I'll never be forgiven for the person I was 8 years ago, but I'm a completely different person than I was in high school, and I just want to feel like the same feeling of the closeness I had when I was in the community a long time ago.
idk, these thoughts have been haunting me everyday for the past 8 years, and I just needed some guidance and release my thought proccess. if you read this far, bless your soul, like thank you so much for reading my thought process essay LOL
@rinniechan
I can understand the sense of loss you feel when you look back 8 years ago. Feeling part of a community can absolutely make us feel whole. Or somehow lacking, when we don't have it.
I can also understand the sense of regret that you feel your actions caused the loss you now experience.
This seems to be fighting a belief that you did what was right at the time, needing some space. So it seems you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Regret at what you did, while simultaneously believing it was the right thing to do.
It seems to me you have written a long justification of what you did then and what you want to do now. Who is this justification for?
Are you worried about other people judging you for what you did? Do you believe they can forgive and forget and move on? Can you forgive yourself?
Could it be that the way your contacts are behaving has nothing to do with you or the past? I'm sure you already know that you can't make them be the way you want them to be. Can you accept them as they are now?
Best wishes in achieving what you want.
@Clio9876
I just want to thank you for taking your time to respond back to this post and also sorry I wasn't able to respond sooner, I had to take a break for some time from 7cups a few days after I posted this, cause wasn't really in a good place mentally the more I thought about the memories from the post.
Now I reread what I wrote what I posted this back then, a part of me wants to feel justified coming back to the community, but at the same time I feel I can't. Cause like all communities, its a small world, what you do in that community eventually does come back even though it's been years youve been away from the community. And yea you're right, during the time I thought it was right, but back then in high school I was driven by a lot of emotions ngl and not proud of it of how it effected and hurt my friends to the point where like the examples in this post I ghosted and spoke behind my friend's back. (Little more info about the backstabbing, my friend originally did smt that hurt me, and I didn't know if I could trust her during the time, so out of hurt, I ended up lowkey venting in a venting channel im in with our circle of friends)
I can say I have improved a lot compared to how I handled friendships and difficult situations when it comes to emotions compared to how I used to be in high school. And still to this day, I still feel guilty and deeply regret how I treated my friends unfairly despite them being the closest friends I was to them and me to them. There were times where I felt I could apologize but some of those friendships we just ended up falling out even though we made up and that's okay.
To awnser your question, I am worried I might get judged for what happened years ago when I was in highschool if I were to come back to the youtaite community and if I end up meeting my ex friends that I've hurt and the people I've been hurt by, and I feel most likely people might not welcome me possibly, and I would gladly respect their decisions and leave the community for good.
It's like the same thing if you were to meet your ex, you immedaitely go into trauma response if they did treat you poorly or have bad memories of them. That's what I feel if I were to go back to the community. I feel like the more I write the more im just repeating my post, so ill try my best to get to the point so i dont end up typing more.
Basically I was feeling nostalgic of a community that felt like home and my hobby/passion of singing during the time, but because of painful traumatic memories of being hurt in the community as well as hurting other close friends during the time, I'm complentating if it's even a good idea to go back. Despite a part of me wants to go back because I want to feel like the sense of being at home, but its kinda contradicting because on one side you want to feel at home where you felt you could make the most closest best friends, but on the other side you've been hurt from other friends and have hurt other friends back in high school when you were in the community.
The selfish side of me is saying to go back because you've changed and admit what you've done wasn't okay and plan to own up to it and apologize if I ever meet my ex friends again, but dont expect anything out of it.
but my selfless side is telling me it's the same analogy if you were to meet your bully again in the community you're still in if they decide to come back years later after they become an adult. and even if they have changed for the better and a complete different person and much nicer, it doesn't change the fact that they hurt you back then and you're reminded of traumatic experiences and whenever a traumatic experience similar happens it reminds you of them. So even though you made up with some of them back then and those you haven't made up with, it's better to just leave it as it is. Like it doesn't give closure to them 100%, but the very least they can be at peace without having to relive the same experience just seeing your existence. Just accept what you did was not okay back then, continue living, continue to improve yourself more and more everyday, and remind yourself to be more self aware of yourself and the people around you so everyone is treated fairly and loved to prevent from anyone else having to go through losing a close friend out of hurt.
Like now writing this response out and thinking about it more, I don't plan to go back to the community, as it's for the better and just do song covers casually on youtube still as a hobby, but just don't join the community.
Like now looking back at my original post when i wrote this down, it was out of deep nostalgic and my selfish wish of wanting things to be back to normal and going back to the community. but now thinking more rationally, I think I was acting out of emotions and nostalgia too much, and it's okay to feel nostalgia ofc. But, what's in the past is in the past. I can't keep reliving and being haunted of wanting to be in the same space as 8 years ago. As things change in life and everything is always changing.
During the time of posting it was just a scream to the void because my emotions were just everywhere honestly. But now thinking more clearly now, Imma just continue my main passion for gardening and still sing as my secondary hobby, but not as much as gardening and just continue life and keep improving myself ad will always remember the times I've hurt and been hurt by others. Not as like a traumatic experience, but more like a life lesson of what happened before was not okay, and if thats to be prevented from anyone experiencing that again, have to keep improving myself as a person and keep a lookout for current friends other people who go through those experiences and be there for them, so they dont have to experience that same loss I felt.
Also if you read this far, thank you so much for reading my long *** paragraph response LOL once again I really appreciate your time and energy, and keep pushing on, good vibes always :D
@rinniechan
No worries about taking time to respond. Taking time for yourself and or time to process things are both hugely valuable and fully respected here.
To rant or vent to process a situation or feeling is also very valid and can be very helpful for someone who wants to move forward. I hope you find 7 cups a safe place for this. Someone here told me "your feelings are valid and you should experience them to the full". Which was the opposite to what I had been taught, but was liberating for me, because I could finally let go of all the hurt, anger and injustice from the past.
I think it is fabulous that your intention is to leave the past in the past and move on with now. The present is such a short moment between the past and the future, it is a real shame if we are missing it by being constantly mentally in the past or the future.
It can take a lot of time and effort to process feelings like hurt, resentment and anger from the past. Please don't worry about repeating things. In my experience, our brains keep bringing us back to things that are unresolved, so that we can resolve them. One day you'll realise that you just don't think about those things anymore and it will be because in one of those repetitions you found the key to moving on.
I found, and still it very helpful to complete the following sentences:
I'm angry because...
I'm disappointed because....
I'm sad because....
I'm afraid because/of....
I need....
Your feelings are valid and you deserve to experience them to the full.
Completing those sentences can be a safe way to do that.
Best wishes
@rinniechan
All right I read everything, and I just want to point out something really quickly. It is genuinely amazing that you have changed so much in the past 8 years. This community taught you so many things, as you stated, it taught you to be more understanding and aware. Now, ignoring the toxicity, it sounds like a fun community, but I just want to say I don't think you ghosting them was a bad thing at all. You were only doing it for your mental health to improve your own health. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The only thing I would have changed was maybe letting them know, but even so, that was not a mistake at all. You were trying to improve your own mental health and work on yourself, and that is not something to be ashamed of at all. From what you stated, this sounded like a really toxic Community. It sounded like a fun community, but it also had its cons. It sometimes takes distancing yourself to improve your health. You should always put your health over others. Now, if you really want to join this community, I think you should, but I have some questions. This community, it's on multiple social media platforms, right? So the one that you're using with all the people that you ghosted, why don't you just use a different social media platform and go to their youtaite community and meet new people. I also feel like you shouldn't let a couple of people ruin what you like. If you want to join the community again, go ahead! You should be able to do what you like, and sometimes there will be people we don't want to see, but we can ignore them and just try to enjoy the nostalgia again. The past is the past, and we can't change the past. All we can do is focus on the present. We all made dumb decisions back then. I'm not excusing them, but I'm just saying holding a grudge on it for years will do absolutely nothing, it won't change it or anything, all it will do is just make you upset. You made a mistake, but it was in the past, it's not relevant anymore, so there's no point in holding yourself down for it for years. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn, and you clearly did, and that's awesome. :DD
@Ohsimplethingwherehaveyougone
I'm sorry I just saw this reply!! I haven't been on here as often as much recently ;_;
but to reply to your response, yes I have changed completely compared to how I was back then, and learned a lot from my past and am more understanding and self aware now, though that's from my perspective, can't say if it's the same for other people's perspective from the community back then.
and yea I was doing it mostly for my mental health and you're completely right. Now the community isn't as bad as back then in like 2015-2017. But back then it was a nostalgic community but also probably the most unhinged toxic community at times, almost nearly every week someone is gossiping or backstabbing or some crazy drama happening setting the whole community off again like a normal occurance. Though for my case, it was half half, cause half of the time I was in the community I did get hurt by a lot of people and where a lot of my childhood trauma came from, but the other half I also didn't treat some friends that well and ghosted them.
I moved on and healed for the majority part of both the times I've been hurt from certain people in the community and also learned and accepted and grew from the friends I've hurt back then. It's not good to keep holding this guilt preventing me from joining something I love, but I feel in a way it's a reminder of what happened and in a sense gives respect to the friends I've hurt before in the past.
I probably won't go back to the community at the moment, since I'm pursuing another hobby, but I do plan to go back to singing as my hobby, not as a youtaite, but just a normal person singing anime covers. That way I can continue my hobby, but also give peace to the friends I have hurt in the past if they were to see me if I was in the community again to prevent them from having to remember the trauma and pain from the past.
I can say for sure back then I was very emotional and wasn't very logical and didn't think things through, just acted based on emotions, but can still never excuse the way I acted towards those friends so many years ago.
Thank you so much for your reply and your encouragement. It feels bittersweet feeling heard even though a large part of me feels I don't deserve it. But regardless thank you so much, it means a lot hearing these heartfelt words from another person. ;_;
@rinniechan Yes of course! I´m glad your way better now sorry for replying late by the way! But im really happy to hear that your better now, even if I dont know you im genuinely happy to hear your well now.
