Navigating boundaries
I took in a very close friend that left an abusive and controlling relationship. Like many in her situation, she has left and returned numerous times. This time it is supposed to be final, as she vowed to cut all contact with him. She went on a 2-month trip to Europe to help her move on with her life. She says she blocked him but he repeatedly finds avenues to still contact her. She doesn't elaborate and acts powerless to do anything about it. It's her decisions, her life. I am just trying to support her. However, I have this gut feeling that I am not getting the full picture from her, and that perhaps she hides certain details so that I won't judge her. Before taking her in I made it very clear that I did NOT want for him to know she was staying with me. She told him. I asked her to never give him my address or my full name (he lives in another state and we have never met, but he knows of me). Today, she returned to my home from her trip in Europe. She casually asked me if I had seen a card in the mail from him because he claims to have sent one. I was livid. When I asked how the heck he got my address, she said she has no clue and then brushed it off saying that he lies a lot so it's probably not even true that he sent any card. She says he also claimed that he came to my home and left a card on her car (from another state!). Her car has been covered and she hasn't yet checked for it. Regardless of whether or not it is true, I feel like this is a veiled form of intimidation directed at me, especially given the fact that I live alone and, according to his claim, he would've come onto my property to leave the card while she was away traveling. It feels aggressive and this is not normal behavior. She claims that he is harmless, that the most he'd do is beg her to take him back. That does nothing to reassure me. I simply don't want to be drawn into their mess and drama. I have this gnawing feeling that she is deceiving me, that perhaps she did give him my address. Am I overreacting? She makes me feel as though I am making a big deal out of nothing.
@sincerelydora
This is a terrible situation and honestly, I'm sorry you got into it. You are undoubtedly great, because you wanted the best, but I see a problem on your friend's part. She is not very honest, plus she does not keep her promises and perhaps she herself does not want to completely break off contact with her boyfriend. It is strange and in any case, these are their problems, you should not suffer from this. If you are drawn into their games - it will not be very positive, you are right. Therefore, you are worried for good reason and it is better to be on guard. And if it is necessary to do this - have a sincere talk with your friend, setting boundaries. In any case, I hope you will come out of this situation as a winner. Hang in there!
@Voodvins Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. It helped me to start a conversation with her and firmly let her know where I stand.
I hope it helped to share your uncomfortable situation. You have every right to assert boundaries, get the truth and anything else you need from her.
Do be careful and if it helps possibly invest in added security like a doorbell camera? I hope that it works out because you're trying to be caring and it doesn't sound appreciated.
I had a similar-ish situation and it escalated quickly and the friend let it happen basically so my only recourse was to cut her off and get others involved.
She tried to approach me later, without an apology as though nothing happened... I happily left her to her own messy devices.
@ScrabbleBrain Thank you. Yes, it did help me to share this dilemma so that I can stop doubting what I am feeling. Sorry that you went through something similar. It's a very frustrating position to be in.
@sincerelydora Thank you, it is just perplexing to be in this spot but this is a lovely forum, so you vent your heart out, anytime :)
