Second class friend
I've always been a second class friend. Someone who is thought of last, if at all, and only included when present at the time plans are made. As if I was forgotten the moment I was out of sight. Not valued, merely tolerated. I never had a close friend. I might've thought I had, but it was always one sided. No one was ever a real friend to me. There was always someone else who got picked over me. Who was more important, more valued. First class. I´ve never made it to first class and I don't know why. Like yeah, obviously, it ´s something wrong with me, but I can't pinpoint what. I've tried. I tried reaching out, I tried being supportive, I tried being helpful but somehow that was never enough. There really must be something off-putting about me. I really must be a trash person for this to happen over and over. In every friendship. In every group. All the time. Everybody left after some time and now I am alone. I´ve always been alone and disappointed and hurt. What the F is so wrong with me? I got stuck in a cycle where I can´t bond with anyone because I won´t open up because I don´t trust. I feel like a burden. I feel like everybody is glad when I leave, just have a laugh at me behind my back and then forget about my existence. I remember the day I read my roommate´s diary in high school. She wrote that all the girls in the dorm unit were cool, well except for me. Everybody hated me. On the day when we all went out together and I was so happy that I finally got to go out with them, she wrote how they were all annoyed that I´d intruded. And it has never left me. The person I call my best friend used to live 20 minutes away. We saw each other maybe twice a year. Every time I reached out to her, she was busy. Or too tired. There was something she needed to do. Someone she already agreed to meet with. Somewhere she needed to go. She always had some plans and those plans never included me. She´d only meet me when I threw a temper tantrum, went out with me, telling me all these stories about how she went out, partied till morning, and then said she was tired and had to go home after two hours or so. And I was left disappointed and sad. I felt like she was bored and just couldn't wait to leave. Like she met with me just out of some obligation. Or pity. She moved to the other end of the country a few months ago. She still comes here once a month for work, but she never reached out, never asked to meet me when she comes. There are more important people she wants to hang out with. And I feel like I want to just end the relationship, but when she reaches out, like once in a blue moon, I always jump like a trained dog. Because I am so desperate I guess. She is the last person I call friend. And I am wondering if it even is true. I don't know if anybody ever truly liked me. I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. Maybe I am just that unlikable. Maybe I am just that annoying.
I can't pretend to fully know your circumstances and what the people in your environment are like, but from this post I can quickly surmise that you have yet to fall in with a crowd that appreciates you as you are, even if it's a single person. I also do not know what you may be like just by reading one post, but I highly doubt it is a flaw within you that has led to this terrible experience you've lived through with others making you feel unwanted. It may take more effort to find the right people, but forming proper relations with those who respect you and provide you with a safe space will be infinity more worth it than forcibly trying to fit in with these folks who probably have very different notions of friendship than you. And for the record, I have a feeling that the relationships you seek are a lot deeper and more meaningful and generally more fulfilling to have in one's life.
That being said, I'm sorry that you've been treated the way you were in the first place. You deserve MUCH better, and I deeply hope that you find it :)
@Fleckeli Thank you for your supportive words :) It´s difficult not to think that it´s something about me, or something I´m doing wrong when this happens repeatedaly with different people and groups. I jsut can´t figure out what it is that I´m not doing right.
@plumLunch4078
Sometimes we can get used to being around people all the time. All through my school years, I wanted to belong and wanted to feel like I had friends. They were never close friends, and they all went away eventually. What was most helpful to me was the time I spent alone, when everyone seemed to go away.
I never had this website when I was young, but I think it can be helpful at this time in your life. You have a chance to learn about yourself, and to grow as a person. Plus, you have people here who care about you and want to support you. I never had this before when I was going through my period of growth.
Please post another message if you would like to talk some more!