This year I'm going to be a better friend.

In our society we hear a lot of phrases like "protect your peace" and "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm." And I agree sometimes!

I spent my early adulthood getting beat down by life. Old friends outgrew me or became distant. I struggled to make new friends because there were so many social rules everybody else seemed to magically learn at 18 that I didn't pick up, plus the general flakiness of young adults. Family problems broke the facade of my parents and other relatives being invincible, infallible beings. This all caused me to withdraw and avoid engaging with others for fear of getting hurt, rejected, or having to clean up messes I didn't want to be involved in. I stopped reaching out. I stopped being the therapist friend. I stopped participating in holidays. I "protected my peace."

But it's a lonely existence, living that way. 

It served its purpose for that time in my life but I've healed enough to not need isolation and withdrawal as coping mechanisms anymore. I have a renewed sense of optimism towards building community and putting kindness into the world.

It has only gotten better in the past couple years because I finally found a friend group I vibe with who have proven over and over that they mean what they say and are kind, dependable, and honest. They have made me feel seen and understood in ways I can't describe and we do so much to support and uplift each other. I'm lucky to have them. But now I want to do more and finally put good energy out into the world again outside of this little circle. It's taken a while for me to feel like it's worth making those efforts for anyone else again but I think I'm finally ready.

In the past few weeks I've...

- Given my coworkers nice Christmas gifts (I hardly gift anyone anymore so this was a big deal for me).
- Wrote a very overdue holiday letter to a close friend that I should have sent a long time ago and life/mental health stopped me from doing that but better late than never, and they were glad to receive it all the same.
- Will be attending a baby shower - even though I was hesitant because I don't care for babies 😂 and because it's sort of far from home at a time slot I normally use as my "rest and recharge" hours - for acquaintances who have been kind to me in our interactions and I genuinely want to get to know them better and show that I care.

This is just the beginning. I want to accomplish more at a pace I feel comfortable going at and not overextending myself. Time will tell but I feel alright about how things are right now.

Thanks for reading this. If you've made it this far, what steps are you taking to be a better friend and/or building a sense of community this year?