Vent
TW: Suicide mentions
I ended things indefinitely with the person I've kept venting about. He was my best friend, but his mental health has been taking a toll on mine and I just can't do it anymore. I couldn't handle being controlled, being told I was ruining his mood by acting so "serious" when I always explained I was just really depressed and couldn't put a smile on. I feel so hurt, so hurt, and yet his acquaintances wait me to return and support him but I just can't do it anymore; I don't even want to make this about myself while he's clearly in pain after two attempts, but I don't way him to die just because I cancel hangouts. I feel like a robot who can't feel, can't think, I can only follow orders and be told to treat things calmly like I'm not already trying to be careful around him like he's going to break from the slightest touch.
I can't help myself but suffer from the things he doesn't take care saying, and I still ache from him telling me to stop being selfish for wanting to harm myself; That I don't love him, that I only love myself, that I never do anything for him, I'm so tired of being kicked at my worst and still having to make an effort for him when I'm sure I love him so much despite everything. I've been so calm, but now I'm just out of control feeling like I'm desperately crying on the inside while on the outside I just have a deadpan expression. It all hurts so much.
@ricebun I'm so sorry sweetie 🙁 but you matter too, your mental health is just as important as yours. And you can only do so much for someone, before breaking down yourself. The best way to help someone is to leave. It's hard I know but he has to get better, and not be so emotionally attached to one person, there are other people he can get help from. So now it's time to think about yourself 💖 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗 we are all here for you 💗
@Tinywhisper11 your health matters just as much as his*
sometimes the best way to help someone else is to leave*
Sorry about my spelling💖
@Tinywhisper11 Thank you, you're right. :(
@ricebun 💖💖
Being friends or being in relationship with someone should not become a difficult task in perpetuity. Something that makes you comfortable is not for you. There should be symbiosis in relationships where both support each other. You did the right thing.
It's been days and I feel so numb. Like the person I appreciated the most opened up my chest and tore me apart. Nothing feels like home anymore, and I'm so dissociated it's like I'm another person. I'm so starved for love because he's not here anymore to lovebomb me after every complaining session on how I don't love him. Nobody's here to see how much I'm hurting. I really want to return because I'm so broken I don't think any more damage can be made to my mind, so it's just whatever, I can handle everything again, but I also can't get out of here. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, yet I crave the comfort of not being alone. He says I won't survive without him, I'm sure that's true now.
@ricebun sits beside you and hugs you tightly 💗 I'm not great with relationship advice, I've never actually dated anyone. But before you decide anything please think really hard because you deserve so much better 💖 hugs you again 💖
@Tinywhisper11 Thank you, it's not that we were dating, he was just my best friend. I'm trying to hold on to my sanity and to not cave in because I know returning will only make me want to run away despite all the promises he makes to improve. It's just that he has enabled a lot of my dependency knowing I'm prone to it and has admitted to doing so, which makes things really difficult for me because I'm grieving not having his ever changing support anymore. 😓
@ricebun awww sweetie I'm so sorry 🙁 he meant so much to you, it must be incredibly heartbreaking and confusing for you right now 🙁 whatever you decide to do, just know you need to have your boundries, I wish there was something I could say to take this pain in your heart and mind away. You are young and so important please take care of yourself first💖💖
I'm tired of trying to be strong, I can't get away from him. He always ends up making me look like I'm crazy and out of my mind for leaving; "You said you trusted me more than you trusted yourself, you can't survive on your own", "only I can fix what's going through your mind" I know that's all bs, but I'm tempted to let myself be deceived because I can't survive on my own. I've gotten so used to it all I don't think my mind can't break any more than this, and I truly believe that maybe I should isolate myself from everyone but him already so my friends don't have to see me depressed about all of this.
