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ricebun
1 2,865 M Hopeful Heart 6
PathStep 29 Compassion hearts264 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes46 Current upvotes46 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceMarch 11, 2023
Bio

He/him, male. I struggle with both mental and physical issues and often feel anxious around others. Although I don't see myself as a strong person, I try to protect those I love the most even if that makes me appear irritable to some. You might notice my self-esteem is very low. I'm also 20 years old.

Other than that, there's not really a lot to say about me. I enjoy science, music, learning languages and collecting Sanrio merch; In case you're into personality typology, I'm an INTP 6w5 sp/sx 694 RLUXI Mel-Phleg.

My favorite song right now is Wires by The Neighbourhood.






Recent forum posts
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Host doesn't want to change jobs
Trauma Support / by ricebun
Last post
 May 3rd
...See more Hello. I am part of a DID system  that has recently been discovering itself. I am not the host, but an independent alter that usually fronts when neither the host nor the sub-host can front. As far as I know, the rest is currently dormant due to an issue that basically destabilized the system some time ago, and I’ve been somewhat stuck here ever since. I’m currently at a bit of a loss, because our host got a job five months ago, and since then, we’ve been leaving the house five days a week, which I'm aware affects everyone else, since we grew up isolated and locked away due to neglect and a long history of trauma. This affects us all equally, including the host, but we know he considers it absolutely necessary because otherwise we’ll never be able to live a functional life. The problem is that we’ve found a remote job that would allow us to stay home again in addition to offering better pay and more benefits. However, we also know that our only interaction with the outside world has been through our current job, which allows us to talk to co-workers even if we don't really get along with everyone, and just become social. This job opportunity has led the host who has been unwilling to front the past few days, apart from being co-conscious, to create certain conflicts with me regarding moving forward with this proposal. We know deep down that this could cause us problems in the future when it comes to leaving the house, but at the same time, since most of us can’t stand going out due to paranoia and depression, we don’t know how to handle the situation. I’m suggesting to everyone that, if we quit our current job to take the remote job, we should sign up for some kind of course that forces us to leave the house at least three times a week or even daily. However, I know it’s not the same, because this would also force us to adapt to a new environment without prior preparation, at a time when most of us are going inactive. Our current job helps us with our dissociation, but at the same time it wears us out physically and mentally (PDD) from dealing with clients (we get sick a lot, too, due to chronic illness), while offering a not-so-decent pay and also being bossed around, which makes the host rage sometimes since he can't handle having to follow rules all the time. I need some advice to help us tackle this. This is one of the few times we’ve managed to try to communicate with each other, and even then we can't manage to do it right. I believe this is just a conflict on what benefits us better, while the host loves our current job even if it's not the best.
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Vent
Friendship Support / by ricebun
Last post
 May 8th, 2025
...See more He likes to offer me a space to be honest with my feelings. I'm honest with him despite my trust issues. My honesty is turned into a blame shifting session. Nothing that hurts me matters. "You take my [hurtful] words like an attack," "you also made me feel hurt". Nothing matters, it's all an act. I ask him if my feelings matter, he says yes, of course. The  next day he tugs at my heart and says I'm exaggerating: "it was only one damn word". He hates my dissociation ("All you do is dissociate whenever something happens"), my depression ("We haven't seen each other in months, recover quickly so *I* can finally see you"), my boundaries ("It doesn't bother you if I [coercive words, otherwise I'll end up being sorry for saying no]"), my friends ("You're happier with them than you're with me, right? I hate your friends, I hate them, I hate them."), my personality ("You're too serious, it's making me feel anxious and like you don't love me"), my need for space ("I don't know since when you needed space from me, but whatever," "I'm too controlling, I can't help it"). I don't matter.
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Vent
Depression Support / by ricebun
Last post
 April 26th, 2025
...See more It hurts. I don't want to end up alone again.
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Vent
Depression Support / by ricebun
Last post
 April 24th, 2025
...See more I'm too depressed to do anything.
ricebun profile picture
Vent
Friendship Support / by ricebun
Last post
 April 28th, 2025
...See more TW: Suicide mentions I ended things indefinitely with the person I've kept venting about. He was my best friend, but his mental health has been taking a toll on mine and I just can't do it anymore. I couldn't handle being controlled, being told I was ruining his mood by acting so "serious" when I always explained I was just really depressed and couldn't put a smile on. I feel so hurt, so hurt, and yet his acquaintances wait me to return and support him but I just can't do it anymore; I don't even want to make this about myself while he's clearly in pain after two attempts, but I don't way him to die just because I cancel hangouts. I feel like a robot who can't feel, can't think, I can only follow orders and be told to treat things calmly like I'm not already trying to be careful around him like he's going to break from the slightest touch. I can't help myself but suffer from the things he doesn't take care saying, and I still ache from him telling me to stop being selfish for wanting to harm myself; That I don't love him, that I only love myself, that I never do anything for him, I'm so tired of being kicked at my worst and still having to make an effort for him when I'm sure I love him so much despite everything. I've been so calm, but now I'm just out of control feeling like I'm desperately crying on the inside while on the outside I just have a deadpan expression. It all hurts so much.
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Question
Friendship Support / by ricebun
Last post
 April 28th, 2025
...See more Would it be wrong to directly block someone who doesn't accept your boundaries even if they're your best friend and they suffer from abandonment issues? Should I leave them a message explaining it and block them? I need advice. I just want to run away, they've done horrible things to my mental health.
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Vent
Friendship Support / by ricebun
Last post
 March 31st, 2025
...See more I wish he would stop making my sadness about him. None of my feelings are mine when I'm around him. It's all about how it makes him feel, about how I'm ruining his mood. It's about me caring for him even when I feel bad and receiving nothing in return. I promised him I'll never leave his side, so who cares. Who cares about what I think, as long as it satisfies him, that's all everyone will care about. :(
ricebun profile picture
Vent
Friendship Support / by ricebun
Last post
 March 4th, 2025
...See more Every day, I walk on eggshells around him and just hope for the best.
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