40 and lost

Hello everyone, I just turned 40 recently. Been fighting disability for a year and a half. I lost my career in high end food management. I lost my home 6 months ago. My family crumbled and my ex-fiance took my daughters for me. We both struggled my health. Declining really messed with me and she blamed me for not being there for her like I should have. I have good friends but I've always been the rock. I've always been the one but they went to. And I'm struggling to reach out like I should. I feel lost my whole life. I've been out of my own since I was 15 due to an abusive father and a mother that was messed up. Oh who knows what mostly alcohol and thought her life was more important than ours. I'm currently in trauma therapy which I really didn't even know I needed I thought I was past the point of needing any of that. I stayed busy working. It was my distraction. When I was young I leaned into alcohol and partying. And now I'm struggling with the want to drink. My internal struggles are eating me up. I really don't know what it is I'm looking for.