Always starting over at 46
Hi! I have been through repeated job loss (not for performance), divorced... My partner of 6 years has become an extreme avoidant. We bought a beautiful house together 3 years ago. He moved into another bedroom, bathroom, blames me for ehy he can't be close. We tried therapy. He didn't last. I have wasted SO much time and effort trying to help him, help us but he always pushes me away. Yes, it took 2 of us to get here but I am the only one putting in effort. I also have a very demanding career and haven't kept up with my social circle who seems nonexistent. I am morivated, resourceful, yet I "almost" get there and then things don't pan out. I feel like I have a major blvk somewhere. I know I need to move but it is hearbreaking and will be lonely. Thanks for listening. Open to advice!
@Believe777444
I am sorry you are having issues that obviously bother you. Maybe take a deep breath and try to look at situation from another perspective even if you do not like what you find out.
The demanding career says a lot as some think they can schedule the rest of their life like they do at work. You cannot fix him only you....... and how you react to him or friends etc. Your effort to fix things or help when not sure what is the issue drives partners away. Why should he put in effort if you have a plan or how things should be in your mind. Some driven, motivated people have issues with friends as they like to plan or take over an event or planning, your friends may like a more see what happens feeling. so, they suddenly cannot make it... or ill etc. I have a couple of friends like that I no longer respond to because it was all on their timeline or their preference.
My partner also has a demanding career and sometime treats me more as his assistant then his partner. other times the boss part of him has negative effects in our life. I used to lash out like "I do not work for you" this did not stop the behavior. he dislikes other structured events as they always think they could do better at it.
We talked for hours about with no progress. I suggested counseling but knew he would not openly participate. he also found conflicts and scheduling issues... I did some individual sessions and see the situation clearer. SO, I decided to start treating him the same way....... he did not like that. Only then did he see how I could be viewing the situation. I should not have had to resort to that like your bf should not have had to move to another room and live like roommates. By the time we do this the resentment and anger are very hard to overcome or go back to what was. Start fresh to build on what is not what was ... acknowledging how both of you react... open a conversation so people feel comfortable in telling each other things even if it is hard to hear.
Many times, people "see' what went wrong after the breakup or continue to repeat with next partner.
Thank you for this! He is emotionally neglectful snd I pulled away from friends from being echausted by being constantly shut out from him. It drained my confidence. He will give breadcrumbs. It is the loss of what I know he can be but won't step up because it is easier for him to not face his shadows. I th Thought he was my forever person because he is very caring and he'll do tasks but without any kind of emotional availability whatsoever, it's my fault that I let it go on too long. It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom also. I think I just have to move on although it's just so hard. Thanks for listening and thank you for reaching out. I appreciate you.
@Believe777444 Hi my name is Crystal, I can definitely understand the starting over. I'm a widow my husband died from covid In Dec 2020 after 23 years of marriage. Raising kids marriage you know family life I drifted from my friends that I had. I'm a good listener very private. Can give and use some advice. Some laughs and understanding.