A mind that doesn’t belong

I’m a female in my late thirties, currently between jobs. Truthfully, it’s been years since I last worked. And that’s part of the story — the cycle I feel trapped in. One thing feeds into the other. My mental health affects my body. My body affects my ambition. And it all loops back, over and over again.

Still, I’ve come a long way. I’m mentally stronger than I used to be, but not completely out of the fog. And if I had to name the one thing that still hurts the most — it’s the loneliness. The deep, endless silence of having no real friends.

Most of my days are spent entirely alone. I wander the city by myself, drink coffee alone, eat every meal alone. Time whizzes by, but my life stays still. No matter how much I try to connect, nothing seems to last. I’m naturally social — a mix of extrovert and introvert. I enjoy conversations, meeting new people, exchanging ideas. I try to be open, kind, and approachable… but I still end up on my own. Some days I push myself to attend events, hoping for that spark of human connection. Other days, I just lie in bed scrolling through my phone, desperate for someone — anyone — to talk to. I crave real connection. Deep, soul-level friendship. But I don’t know how to find it anymore.

I’m originally Arab, from the Gulf region, but I spent most of my life in Europe. That shaped my perspective in ways I didn’t fully realise until I came back “home.” Now, I feel like a stranger in my own culture. I don’t relate to the mindset here. I see the world differently — I see what others refuse to see in themselves. There’s a lack of growth, curiosity, and individuality. Everyone thinks the same. Talks the same. Believes the same. It’s like they’ve all been mentally cloned. There’s no originality, no depth.

Then you add religion into the picture, and the alienation becomes worse. I’m not religious. I live by a different philosophy. I don’t subscribe to the same beliefs others here treat as sacred. It puts me at constant odds with the environment around me — like I’m stuck in a society that feels intellectually stifling and emotionally disconnected. I don’t mind people being different from me — I just wish I could find a few who are more aligned with how I think, how I feel. I’m not asking to fit in. I’m just tired of feeling dragged backwards by everything around me.

Career-wise, it’s been a dead zone. I’m not ready to apply for a job — not because I don’t want to, but because my body has felt like an anchor. I carry this physical weight that most people don’t understand. I wake up tired. I move through the day like I’m dragging another person on my shoulders. I want to achieve so many things, but every step feels ten times harder. If I go out three days in a row, my whole body aches and I need time to recover.

Still, I’ve made progress. Over the past two years, I’ve lost four stones — that’s 26kg or 57lbs. I’m more active now. I feel lighter, stronger. But lately, the progress has stalled. I can’t find the motivation to keep going, and I know why. It’s the mental weight. When you live in constant solitude, when you feel this unseen, your energy fades. Your will disappears.

As for family — we’ve cut ties. They’ve never been proud of me. They still blame my friends for “badly influencing” me, like I don’t have a mind of my own. I’m nearly 40, yet they treat me like someone who’s lost or misled. They can’t accept who I am — my beliefs, my views, my choices. That’s what this culture does to people. It convinces them they have the right to control and judge others, while completely ignoring basic human empathy.

So I distanced myself from my family and relatives. And honestly? I don’t regret it. I don’t need parents who aren’t proud of me. I’m proud of myself and that’s enough.

But I won’t lie — I’m tired. Tired of the silence. Tired of eating every meal alone. Tired of not belonging anywhere. People my age have careers, families, stability. And I feel stuck in this body, stuck in this endless loneliness, surrounded by nothing but silence.

Romance-wise — I’m very single and fine with it. I used to long for that warm, shared life with a man. But I outgrew that. I wasted years chasing “Mr Right” and found nothing but disappointment. I’m not against marriage, but I don’t see it happening for me — at least not here. Not in this culture. If I ever do marry, it’ll be someone Western. Someone more emotionally honest. More mentally alive. No Arabs. No Muslims.

What I want now is simple: peace. A career. A home of my own. A dog. A cosy flat somewhere surrounded by nature — and the soft sound of my beautiful budgie birds in the morning. That’s it. That’s my dream.

I’m not here looking for advice. I just needed a space to vent. A space where someone might read it and understand — even just a little.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Truly 🤍