Boundaries with potential friends
Hey,
I am having trouble navigating whether I am being avoidant/easily triggered by people or whether it is valid for me to set boundaries with new people that show behaviors or personality traits that make me feel like I don't like them or may be harmed by them.
I met a new person at my school and initially I liked her and got to know her a little, but recently we have had a class together, and I found out she has some strong views that I don't agree with. I also felt that she didn't really listen to me when I shared more about myself and my experiences. She just asked me to work together on a group project. I had already told the professor I just want to work on it by myself, which he said is an option. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't want to people please and say yes when I really don't want to work with her (plus I'm kind of overwhelmed and doing it by myself would be a lot easier anyway). (But maybe I should try to work with her and try to be more expressive of my opinions... idk)
Another issue has been my roommate/landlady. She seems to like me but also showed pretty hostile/disrespectful communication style about household stuff. She invited me to Thanksgiving which caused me a lot of stress. Now I have been able to get an invite with a different friend so I won't have to be there, but part of me is now not sure if I made the right choice.
@Daydreamer47
Boundaries are so important. Sometimes, it's hard to set them. So, I understand why you would second guess setting them. If you feel it is best for you, then it's valid. When we begin to feel guilty about them or second guess them it is important to remind ourselves why we set them in the first place. 💜
@innateJoy9602 Thank you. I appreciate it. I am trying to remind myself too, if I say no to one thing I can always connect with them another time in a way I feel more comfortable. I tend to kind of get FOMO lol.
I struggled with the complexity of psychological boundaries at first until I looked at what my core values were and how that influences my boundaries of the 3 psychological types: rigid, porous or healthy. I had to figure out what I valued and model my healthy boundaries around those values.
I may be wrong but it sounds as if you may struggle with rigid boundaries around other people which is okay as long as you recognize that and can work at expressing how you feel to other people.
Your college friend may have strong opinions and it sounds like this may be triggering for you so perhaps you become rigid around your thinking out of anxiety.
Could you not say "I'd love to work together but I struggle with strong opinions, could we concentrate on the work?"
That gives you a chance to practice without people pleasing or avoiding.
Hope this helps.
@openlearn yeah that is good advice and something I am still working on. I did say no to her already. The project in particular is to pick an animal welfare controversy and I would like to present different sides of it with empathy for different sides of the issue, and I feel like her more extreme views would make it hard for me to do that, and we wouldn't be on the same page. Maybe we can connect another time around something more neutral, like games night or something.
The Thanksgiving thing I said I might come for dessert. That might mean having to cancel on my other friend now. Maybe I can go to both idk. It depends on the timing and I might just be tired.
@openlearn It's an interesting concept about the different types of boundaries. I think maybe I am actually oscillating between porous and rigid, because just saying no to one thing feels so scary and I second guess myself and will sometimes give in to what the other person wants. At the same time if I do set a boundary, then I kind of avoid them after out of fear. Another thing is also that sometimes there may be people that I just don't like and it's okay if I don't invest in a friendship vs. someone who I do like overall and want to have a relationship with that I'm setting too rigid boundaries with.
