Husband's friends/business partners
My husband is amazingly friendly could be and make friends with anyone or anything. I...have spent most of my life alone. A few passing friends throughout school years, 'black sheep' of the family...I love people but struggle to form lasting relationships. Usually hard to keep up with anyone or find common lifestyles, especially in the current USA. I won't support any beliefs that suppress or hurt others in any way. While I don't form relationships, I love and care deeply for the people I meet and love to hear everyone's stories. That said, I'm trying really hard to get to know my husband's friends and potential business partners. They both claim to be very open accepting guys, but only when it suits them. They are highly religious and often mysoginistic, and when called out about something being deeming or hurtful, even repressive religious practices they support, all whisk away under 'well that's the religion or culture so it's "okay". '
I hate it. It drives me insane. No culture, religion or belief is reason to hurt, respress or demeen anyone. Its never okay to treat someone as less than you, less than human. But they literally laugh and make jokes about it... I've had a really hard life and not been treated kindly to say the very least by a lot of people, especially people that claimed to love me. I'm so uncomfortable with any mentality that hurting people is okay. I have worked really hard to rebuild my life after it was almost taken from me, it broke me and I'm thankful because I could finally see the abuse. It wasn't just one facet of my life, one person, so many fed off that darkness. And I cut them out. I won't say it didn't make me guarded but I also would like to think it changed my world views.
To really look at people actions, intentions and beliefs. If they are ignorant or intentionally hurting others. I believe people are individual, even when following a group and you have to really look at them.
I am open to learning about more religions and cultures but I believe people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, gender, sexuality, etc. And I believe that every one of those people has a choice to be incredible despite any of those characterics because all I care for is how one treats others. Everything else is interesting but if your base beliefs are to hurt anyone in any way for existing...I can't support that and I won't stand by for anyone supporting it silently.
Your beliefs are your beliefs and you are very much entitled to them, I however am entitled to speak up and inform you that you are hurting someone every time you do. Its just so infuriating when someone doesn't see or care that they are hurting others because it doesn't effect them. Why do people literally have to be shot to realize that shooting people is bad? Why is it so okay for others to be hurting just because you aren't?
My husband loves these boys like brothers, he also has a habit of shrugging off someone bad traits until they hurt him. Idk what to do, I can't tell if I have a traumatic past and am just guarded and need to be more open minded and understanding. Or idk.... I just don't know. I keep saying hey that thing you just said it's really hurtful and if you thought about it in this context you would see that. Its just always brushed off, with literally well that works for me or in my life it's like this. I'm literally screaming look at it from someone else's view but your own, you are not everyone and what's okay for you is not just okay for everyone else cause you say so.
I feel like I am going to ruin my husband's relationship, which I don't want. He shares none of their gross beliefs but is so bonded over the things they do share he just doesn't care. I feel like this has become an aita post but...I'm losing it.
Off meant to put in friendship
@LostCat94
Hi, @LostCat94. I read your post, and I can really feel the anguish in your words. I’m sorry that you’re going through this situation, and, in a way, I understand what you are feeling. My father is like your husband’s friends, he’s always expecting the rest of the world to live in the way that works for him and can be quite mean and misogynistic in his beliefs, but can be a ray of sunshine when it is convenient for him.
My mom is like your husband, brushing these things off even when they affect our family’s daily life. “That’s just how he is, don’t pay attention to it” is her favorite shrugging-off phrase. And it feels awful because it hurts and brings back pain and fear from the past.
From your text, it seems to me that your husband is a nice person, albeit maybe a bit too lenient. Since it seems like it would be safe for you to do it, I think you should have a serious talk about your concerns with him. Maybe ask for him to let you talk uninterrupted at first, and once you’ve let him know you’re done, he can comment and ask questions.
It is possible that you do indeed have a traumatic past. Please be kind to yourself. You, and only you, know the pain you have endured (and just because what you’ve been through doesn’t sound like too much of a deal to someone else means that it didn’t hurt you the way it did. We all process life differently, and that is ok!). If possible, it is a good idea to consider professional therapy. In my experience, it can be life-changing.
Something to consider is setting boundaries with your husband. You say you don’t want to affect his friendship with these guys, but if you don’t feel comfortable around them, there’s no reason you have to be their friend as well. You can tell your husband not to include you in activities with these friends. For example, if they visit your house, you can tell your husband you’ll stay in another part of the house doing something you enjoy, and that he’s not to count on you for the duration of the visit.
And do remind your husband that the beliefs and attitudes these guys have hurt you and that you trust him not to adopt them as it would bring you pain. If you catch him saying something along the lines of his friends’ beliefs, call him out on it because sometimes we pick up things from our friends without noticing, and you telling him may prevent him from adopting ideas that will affect you both.
Of course, when it is inevitable to cross paths with these people, remain polite, but avoid engaging in conversation. People like these hardly ever change unless, as you say, they get shot themselves and realize it hurts, and confronting them can instead put you in a position that can trigger pain and unpleasant feelings for you. Whenever possible, withdraw from their vicinity as soon as you can, and I’d suggest avoiding being with them without your husband at all costs (they may try to initiate arguments with you if you’ve already stated your thoughts about their beliefs).
I hope these ideas help you, and that you and your husband can find a solution that works for the two of you.
I’m sending you light and love.
Cherry 🌸