I cut off all my friends.

Tonight I unfriended my friends on *** and left their server, and so far none of them have atleast attempted to reach out. I suspected this outcome.

They're not mean people. They weren't unkind to me. But they made me feel alien. I had to force myself into their friendgroup. I had to join everything myself and make things entertaining. They never invited me really, or asked if I wanted to join.

I wanted to stream a game to them, and was met with "Oh, another friend is doing that another day." and I decided to wait. I asked them to ping me. Verbally. And they didn't. I told them this when I joined call tonight. They didn't even tell me the correct date of when we were doing it. I told them this. One of them said they didn't think they were on call when I asked for them to ping me, and they were. They knew they were. They never left call once. And the other one said they forgot, which is fine. I get it.

None of them have reached out. None of them have asked me about my concerning behavior. Last week I had a mental health crisis, and only one person asked me how I was, and then they completely ceased to speak to me unless I spoke first.

It's exhausting. I want to feel wanted in friendships. They seem to only care about eachother. I feel unwelcome. I always blindly believed that people would tell me if they had enough of me. I was proven wrong. Actions always speak louder than words. Perhaps they were only kind to me because they didn't want to feel like bad people.

I'm so tired. Atleast I get a job next month. Maybe I'll be given a fickle chance. I'll rinse and repeat as many times as I need. I'll go through heartbreak after heartbreak if I have to. I will find someone who wants me around. There has to be someone. I won't give up on finding friends.