I'm confused, maybe I feel numb.
I'm 17 f and have one friend. She's lil bit dramatic and loud but still, we're friends. I have calm or bored attitude but I always feel depressed or tired after school on my way back home. Numb feeling all over my body except tiredness. I always feel like I wanna escape from all social interactions, maybe I'm a introvert person (used to have social anxiety, better now) I just don't like conversations with others.
Lately I've been avoiding to walk with her until bus stop because I'm tired of it and she told me she was lonely. Sometimes I like her and sometimes I don't.
I don't like her little because it seems like she's trying to gain attention to herself by being dramatic and it feels unfair. What I'm trying to say is that, I also want attention but isn't it inappropriate? It's too childish and stupid, and I'm angry that she can show and tell how much she's hurt... I just want people to understand me and love me, and I even endured all my pain to not become nuisance. It's unfair.
And there's lots more going on my mind, a lot!, probably it will be over 10000 word or smth.
And I'm frustrated that whenever I try to voice my feelings out, I forgot everything. And the worst thing is that the bitter feelings left by past still linger in my heart.
Others say there's a lot of people with the same problems, you're not alone but how can you be so sure? If I never met others, how can I trust you? It's all same, "you're not alone" but I am alone ... I think I need a therapist but I don't think my parents can afford it, with my mother in a hospital.
I know I need something but don't know what, it's itching my heart away. I really don't know...
@MakotoTo
It's ok to be quieter.
Or not as social.
Go at your own pace.
You have a different communication style, but it doesn't make you less.
Your friend might just find it easier to open up 💙
I understand you, I used to be alone all my life and in the middle school period, friends suddenly pourn, so I thought this was normal and I would continue like this when I moved to high school, I met new friends (I still love my old friends, I discovered that they are normal, unlike my friends in high school). These friends were a very toxic relationship when there was a fight and they separated, and because I took the neutral party, I was rejected from all sides, but the strange thing is that I was not really sad, I was very relieved as if a mountain moved from my shoulders. I was in the first year counting every word that comes out of my mouth until I merged with them, but when I met the reality, I said to myself, maybe this is comfort, maybe the answer is to stay alone and that didn't really bother me
Hey, thank you for sharing your story with me and I'm glad you found your confort ð©·
I'm not sure if I'll be able to be all alone in school, since I've never experienced being friendless completely. So like you, I don't think I can find comfort from being alone but I'll explore my feelings more.
I know how you feel. I really hope you find a lifelong friend as soon as possible.
It's not inappropriate or childish to want attention, we are social animals in the end lol😁 but don't need to be as dramatic as her to get attention. If she isn't there for you or doesn't care about u, then why should u too? I don't want to give u a bad advice but u should kinds keep ur distance from an emotionally distant person, even if she doesn't mean to to be mean, u need to be as loved as she is, and take care
I appreciate your reply ð©·
I do know it isn't bad to express yourself and I just find it hard... Like it feels uncomfortable? Maybe it feels wrong yet I know it is right thing. I'm still exploring my own feeling as it's becoming more complicated overtime. But I know one thing for sure, she is the most honest, safe person I know and that's what makes me guilty. She's same, also needs love since her parents are far away for a long time.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel so lonely even with your only friend and its so overwhelming and frustrating, its the feeling of being out of control or something. But the only way forward is to talk to her about it and do things with her that makes you and her both happy.
The thing is we are all lonely alone or sometimes even with people, but the only way to overcome it is to be with people. There's nothing that can take the pain away but eventually you'll find a way to live with it.
I hope that you'll make up with your friend and make new friends eventually.
