Like always
I did my best, was the perfect friend and tried to be the kindest, most reliable and most entertaining friend possible.. who knew all that effort will make them confuse me with a jester at the circus instead of an actual person with feelings? I trusted them, more than anybody. I thought.. maybe I can rely on them too and maybe I can trust them and they'd actually handle it well, guess what? They seen me as a side character, somebody who they approach only when they need something and someone who they say 'no' to without any hesitation or remorse.
I'm the only one who always puts the effort and ends up getting either bare minimum or nothing in return. I don't expect you to be perfect, okay? It's alright.. all I want is some decency and equality when you treat me and I can't even seem to get those. What's the point if I act like the best person ever so that they can feel better and safe around me and be open around me and in return I get treated like a dumpster or a bank account? I never wanted anything bad for them, I always had good intention for them.. what went wrong?
They might not mean it or might have 'accidentally' made me feel that way.. but still, I gave so much and was so much considerate, couldn't they at least do the same at a smaller scale? Couldn't they be considerate about how I feel? For the sake of friendship? I thought I was being sensitive, but then I looked at the situation carefully and assessed it and.. turns out they really didn't care. They really don't have an ounce of remorse and sees me as a bunker that's only meant to provide comfort during nuclear war while it gets eroded from the radiation and heat of the blast. It's been one-sided friendship for so long.
Oh, and yeah.. when they realized that I finally found out about the whole thing, they started the pity routine and was like, "Oh, don't worry. I'll give this to you.", no. Just no. I don't need it from you. If me being disheartened like that is what took you to realize you messed up and need to do something then I don't need it. Keep the pity to yourself, do better than that.
Like always, it's me who does the best for the people I feel like I can trust and count on.. and in return I get this. I turn into the invisible man who becomes visible ONLY when something is needed. I'm done, just so done. What's the point of friends like these? I'm done relying on them and I'm done expecting something that everybody should get:- consideration.
I'm on my med rn and it's night, not sure if I have enough mental clarity as I'm typing these paragraphs but anyways. I just.. still hope they do well, whatever they do, and they have fun without me.. and get to hangout with their 'better' friends. I just wish to stay out of it from now on, for the sake of my own wellbeing. They can be happy on their own. I'll go find something else.
