Lonely

I've never been able connect with anyone I never felt heard I always got betrayed bcz I was the one thinking that maybe something is less in ke that's why I don't feel ppl understand me. I'm not even agle to express basic emotions bcz I feel ppl around me won't get it. I've never shared how my day was in school with my parents always worse I've mostly sat alone bcz who likes quiet one.? Maybe I'm not enough to grab their attention but at least I was always pure I've never had intentions to hurt anyone still it was only me who got hurt. Ppl comment me that I reflect negative energy why they can't get it's my arrogance hiding my softness bcz of fear of getting hurt again. Each time I letted someone enter I never felt loved I never felt being heard. I try to accept the fact that maybe I'm not meant for it but still my heart aches. I try to accept that it's just human desire to get heard psychologically bcz they want to feel that they made some change in world they came and they mattered, their lives made some safe space but mine never. I see ppl happy around me but I'm not able to share smile I try my best to smile but I can't when I'm breaking inside else why would anyone choose to not smile, I try to blend in hut I'm not able to I'm not able to share their mentality . I see them happy I tried many times being with them but I always felt empty and worthless no one ever valued me then I distance myself everytime maybe I'm not meant for it but still feeling lonely has became home. I don't know even when I balance my life with work still on those days I want to feel pain, I'm not able to welcome happiness, even anyone I'm not able to grap happiness and even I don't want to I just want pain in my life bcz that's what I always got and it feels gud bcz I feel it crying makes me feel sad and that is okay to me but not when I'm actually crying but when I'm feeling numb.