Losing friends

I am a 37 year old female. I have spent several years working with a counsellor and I have childhood trauma and anxiety which I am medicated for. My counsellor recently closed her practice and I am struggling to remain positive without the consistent support.

I grew up in a Baptist household in Canada. Everything was always right or wrong, black or white, no in between. You're either a perfect Christian or a horrible person on your way to ***. I fully believed what i was told; I am a sinner, no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect and will always deserve ***. (I am aware this is a somewhat distorted view of the Christian narrative, I'm saying this as context for what I was taught as a child.) Nothing I did or said at home ever seemed right, and on the weekends I was 'educated' as to how horrible of a person I am at church. I learned very young to never speak and never draw attention to myself. It was the only way for me to survive.

Because I was very quiet I was often overlooked or forgotten as a child. I made good grades so the teachers never had any reason to notice me. But I never learned how to make friends. Other kids at school would hang out with me sometimes because I got good grades, but they would eventually move on because I was boring, I wouldn't do their homework for them, etc. I have always been so desperate to feel a part of something that I will accept 'friendship' from anyone.

As I have gotten older I have seen the same thing over and over. People are nice to me, maybe we hang out a bit, do things together, but after a few months they quit talking to me. Afterwards, with the clarity of not being in the situation anymore, I can see where the other person just wanted something from me, and once they got it, or decided I wasn't worth the effort, they moved on.

I moved to a new place about six years ago, my next door neighbour and the neighbour across the road moved in about three years ago. I was working with my counsellor at the time and I was able to get to know these neighbours fairly well. We went out to lunch a couples times a month, we went sightseeing, etc. On nights in the summer when nothing was going on we would often sit on my front porch and chat.

I thought that perhaps this time was different and perhaps these people cared about me like they said. It had been a couple years and they were still speaking to me.

This Spring I started to feel something was off. At first I couldn't put my finger on it, but then I'd be sitting out on the deck in the evening and see my neighbours coming home together.

I was jealous, of course, but they are allowed to do things without me, so I acknowledged that I was jealous and moved on. I was proud of myself for not going overboard and assuming the worst.

But it happened more and more often. Now they don't invite me to fo anything anymore. Tonight they are sitting on my neighbor across the street's deck. They didn't invite me to join them. My dogs were upset because they could hear them talking and wanted to see them. So I walked over for a minute so the dogs could say hi and they would settle. After a minute my neighbour said 'I'm sorry I don't have any more chairs' but her tone was just flat, she didn't sound like she really cared.

These people are still friendly towards me. They'll wave when they drive by, ask how my day is going if they see me, etc. But we don't seem to be friends anymore. I understand sometimes people grow apart, that doesn't mean i necessarily did anything wrong. But they are my neighbour's and I'm going to keep seeing them. Nights like tonight, I can see and hear them across the street laughing and talking and it makes me so sad.

I'm disappointed in myself for believing that they were friends. For thinking that it was possible for me to have supportive people in my life. People that wouldn't just abandoned me if it wasn't convenient to be around me anymore.

As I mentioned, I have always had trouble with friendships. I don't have anyone to lean on in times like this. I am not married. I dont have kids. I do not get along well with family.

I'm thankful I am medicated right now, it keeps the sadness and loneliness from being as intense as it has been in the past. But it seems that my situation still hasn't changed and is unlikely to ever change. I am alone. I tried as hard as I could, and with the help of a counsellor and it still didn't work out.

I can't help but think that there's something wrong with me that can never be fixed.

I'm not looking for any advice or solutions. I know I have to sort things out for myself. Just getting some thoughts out. If you read this, thanks.