Patterns and Boundaries?
Hi so I’m a 25 yr old woman and I’ve always had trouble with my friendships. When i was younger it was stupid stuff and growing up in a bad household. As i’ve gotten older I’ve grown up a lot and figured out how to be a better friend. At least I thought so..?
I currently live in another state away from all my family and haven’t dated in years. So I’ve gotten pretty lonely and somewhat rely on my friends for my social needs (obvs). I’ve gotten a little better at choosing them but now i’ve noticed all my current friends are pretty selfish people. I don’t mind too much because I’ve learned to love myself and I’m pretty selfish-sufficient/ independent. But as of recently it’s been bothering me a little more because I’ve taken the big step to move home in a couple months and been struggling a little more mentally because of finances and stress. (Giving some context here)
Well it’s come to my attention that I’ve been crossing my friends boundary by sharing her personal life and my few annoyances with another friend of mine. They aren’t super close but they do know each other. The friend I told this stuff too was (to me) considered my best friend/ platonic soulmate. Me and her got into a tiff because she interrupted me mid convo and I went silent (it caught me off guard and i felt unheard). I guess she went to my other friend and told her i was sharing her personal life and saying negative things about her.
This has been a pattern for some of my past friendships. I’ve always seen this as something like me over sharing and talking too much and as having a bad friend. I thought it was ok to share those things with your #1? And the negative talk was never “talking ***”, more like little annoyances like her being “selfish and inconsiderate sometimes.
I guess I’m just hurt and upset and confused. I know some of these things should be talked about with the friend in question..
@ConfusedYuki
I guess you could call it "triangulation," where person 1 talks to person 3 about person 2. Motives may be purely innocent, but person 2 almost invariably ends up feeling upset and betrayed. If person 2 is engaged in risky behavior or is causing harm to self or others, then it could be said that 1 and 3 collaborating on an approach to helping person 2 is a demonstration of loyalty. Still, even in those circumstances, person 2 is likely to feel victimized and betrayed. It can become a question of "would you accept that this person will hate you in order to save their life?
When it comes to tedious personalities or minor irritations, it's best to talk about them only to the person who's being irritating, and then only if there's a chance it can improve the situation. A lot of people can't handle criticism, even when it's expressed in a compassionate way. If through observation this person has demonstrated defensiveness rather than a willingness to listen, it may be best to limit the amount of time you spend with them, instead of talking to anyone else about them.
It's very helpful to put yourself "in the shoes" of in this case, person 2, and ask yourself how you'd feel if you were that person. It may also be worth considering what kind of day the person has had, what influence their background may have, and the possibility that their behavior may be based on habitual yet ineffective coping strategies.