I wish I could tell everybody that...

@mylifeaseva

I wish I could tell everybody that I'm not always what I show..

I wish I could tell everybody that I'm not okay. That I think about killing myself sometimes and it scares me. That I hate my body and it hurts when I don't eat but I pretend the pain doesn't exist. That I want to talk to them but my anxiety is constantly getting the best of me. That I'm lesbian and I'm proud. That being LGBT+ isn't a crime and make them believe it. That I can't seem to get much sleep. That I may care about them more than they think. That I wish they cared more.

I want to do everything good, but I can't find motivation and I probably have fear of failure. I hate it. I feel like such a bad person.

Sometimes I resent my husband for his mental issues because they affect me directly and he is so closed down when it comes to talking about it.

I wish I could tell everybody that I'm not happy. I wish I could tell everybody that I'm scared at my own house, I'm scared that my father will drink to much and try to kill my mom again or worse my sister because of her sexuality. I wish I could have been brave enough to call the cops the night my dead stayed outside my room with a gun waiting for my mom to get out. I wish I could have a friend to talk with about this night and that friend would just hold me so tight and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wish I could be more extroverted and exciting and funny. I wish I could be beautiful and thin like other girls. I wish I had no acne. I wish boys would like me. I could be smart but most of all I wish someone would care about me as much as I care about them and they wouldn't leave. I also wish I could be less dramatic

I am trying. I don't mean to be this way.

I lost hope in life... I... I want to stop it.

It's not easy pretending to be happy almost everyday. That depression is not just a word to judge. That anxiety is not just a feeling that everyone has so it's normal to have it. That everyone just needs someone to talk to, to listen to whatever it is the they need to get off of their chests and to feel that someone understands them. I wish I could tell everybody that being alone by myself is my comfort zone but believe it or not it has also been my cage that I've been wanting to break.

That it's okay to be different, that everyone goes through the same experiences differently, that you don't have to please everyone's expectations, that the answer to everyone's emotional crisis is love and it doesn't matter in what form in comes. Be it family, friends or lovers as long as someone can hug you while saying " it's going to be okay " you'll be fine. If you don't have that type of love then you just have to search for others who are searching as well. Don't be afraid is what I want to tell everybody.

I wish I could tell everybody that I have social anxiety and depression. To my classmates- no, it's not like I try to avoid you, I'm just scared that you may think I'm weird and not interesting. I have depression and it really aches me inside. Yes, I'm quiet and introverted, but no, it doesn't mean I don't want to have friends. I'm depressed and shy, but I'm caring and I want to give you a hug when you feel like everything is falling apart.