I wish I could tell everybody that...

I wish I could tell everybody that there's more to life than just getting through it.

I'm scared. Scared that I'll fail finding a new house. Scared I'll fail selling mine. Scared I'll fail at fixing my house cause it feels like everyone has time for everyone else but me. It's a hard habit to break, only relying on oneself and not being afraid to ask for help. But I've asked for help and I'm afraid to push to see if they will.

we may not be ok but we are here. I don't know what's ahead I just know we've made it this far. one step at a time. keep moving. Keep breathing.

They are mean and disappointing.

I wish I could tell people that it feels like my brain is trying to block out things I know I don't want to feel and if I try to remember things I get a wave of anxiety. I feel nothing, could even call it calm but I feel like something isn't right. One minute I'll certain I might have quiet Borderline personality disorder ( obvs not self-diagnosing) because I relate to a lot of the traits. But then I'm worried I am just trying to fit my feelings to the symptoms and really don't trust what I feel because I change my mind so easily. I think I want to somehow be validated, but I don't know why and to go through a process of calling out these feelings is definitely not worth it, but I am most likely wrong.I wish I could tell people things and not be terrified that they would change their view of me, so I don't say anything.

I'm no better than the first time I came here. That my life is shambles. I want to tell my daughter I love her, I wanna hug her and my grandbabies. But the last few years have been a disaster.

I wish I could tell every one I just cry all the time .

I want peace.

I'm not "the perfect child".

I was not always a good example, I wasn't always honest, I wasn't always good.

I wish I could tell you that I used to be addicted to cocaine. I wish I could tell you that I used to sneak out to meet with my hook, that I'd go to his house to for a couple of days at a time. I always checked in, to say I was at a friends house. So you believed me.

You always believed me.

I was 16.

I wish I could tell you my best friends had to have an intervention with me. Twice.

Now I'm 20, almost two years clean.

I wish I could tell you I still think about it.

When I had a vice, at least had control. But without them, I don't know who the fuck I am. I don't know what I'm doing or how I'll get there.

And then you say I'm the "perfect" fucking child. I can't help but wonder that if you truly knew who I am- would you still call me that?

I want my life to end.

I wish i could tell everybody to try Papa Johns new barbecue chicken and bacon pizza and their new Hawaiian barbecue chicken with juicy pineapple. Also try one of Papa John's new barbecue pizzas only $10.99 for a limited time.

I have not had the easiest time growing up, like alot of ppl do i suppose. I don't want to put blame on my parents. Im 24yo and have not really told any this or anyone else but my self know about it. Exept perhaps my older brother he might been through the same. My parents sence i was a child been i would say extream Christians, nothing wrong with that i guess.

Its just latly i have relised the things im about to tell might not be true or i mostly know atleast. I was and have been told that "Jesus is coming soon" so many times and all about the "last days". Some may say its nothing, like ok its just words as they say there beliefs. I lived in fear for so many years and i have not been able to see a future in this world as its gonna end soon anyways so why bother. Most ppl will not be able to understand i believe and no one i have chatted with have tryed to or more its me that have not tryed or been able to open up is what i mean. Not others. Its just one of many things me growing up that i still struggle with today and just wanted to share that.

To anyone read this far i hope u have a great day and you are precious and no one can take your place in this world <3

Kind Reguards J