Looking for someone who can help me understand why I have health anxiety, and why I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something to happen to me.

I've always struggled with myself.

Whether it's hating myself, hating everyone around me, or feel like I've just been diagnosed with terminal cancer by Dr. Google. I can't seem to stop my mind from going to a dark place.

I try. Really hard. I've started working out, I've changed my diet, I've been doing yoga regularly. I've been actively looking for triggers or negative thoughts and trying to stop them, but it's like my mind is split in half. I have this positive, happy, motivated side that I love to see come out.. And then there's this gross, ugly, lazy side of myself that I can't seem to shake. I've been this way as long as I can remember. I'll spend months being happy, and then I feel a shift in myself. I'm my thought process, in my actions and reactions. I feel myself falling, but there's nothing to grab to pull myself up. Not to mention the constant health anxiety I deal with, I know most of my delusions are totally irrational.. But that never seems to help.