Addict mother

Since I was a little kid, my mom abused alcohol. I knew it; I would mark vodka bottles at 7 years old to know how much she drank. I hated it, but I preferred that she would drink instead of being sober, angry, and verbally and mentally abusive. Her life with my father was horrible; she was often hysterical, and my father was physically abusive. Now I can see that both were at fault. Not in any way would I justify physical or any type of abuse, but my mother is unbearable. So, before she abused alcohol, and later she started abusing pills, specifically benzodiazepines. My mother was never a good mother, but I always wanted to have my mother in my life, even though it would always end up with me being hurt and upset.

The older you get, the harder it is to tolerate unacceptable behavior. She is manipulative, and now I understand that a lot of things she did were to turn me against my father, even though my father is also far from perfect. Now I realize that my mother never loved me and resented me. This month, she came over for my birthday, and I took her and my daughter to Florida. She only lasted 3 days before she started abusing her pills. It disgusts me and makes me angry, but I kept it quiet, even though it was very obvious she was out of it and looked drunk without drinking. I hate this so much.

We got back, and she started asking for my pills, which I take sometimes for severe anxiety or panic attacks. I refused to give her anything. She always finds a way to get more pills, asking people and lying to doctors. She also mixes them with sleeping pills and passes out. I did tell my father because I'm worried she will overdose, and she lost it on me. She was hysterical, screaming, and crying, calling me the worst person, her enemy, saying she would never talk to me, and expressing how much she hates me. I was keeping it together, but then I lost it because I couldn't calm her down. I told her that she is a horrible woman, mother, and grandmother, who ruined my childhood and my life. I never had a mother, but I always wanted to have a loving, caring mother, not an alcoholic and a drug addict.

When I was younger, it was easier to accept, but as I get older, the more anger mixed with guilt, pain, and feelings for her I have. The feeling of guilt is the worst. I just wanted to share and see if someone can relate and see how they deal. Thank you ❤️