A little after grieve

i came on here a few months ago in the begining and middle of my grief journey

it was my first time experiencing a loss that was life changing

I had never experianced a pain so deep, so shatering, so reconing 

A pain i didnt see a way out of, one that didnt feel just physical but like something more

It wasnt just the pain of emotion that i was feeling, my phyical heart hurt, my eyes dried because they could no longer make tears, my knees bent cus they couldnt hold me up, my throught was hourse from all the times i spoke to him, yelled at God and just broke down sobing

So i came on here to put feeling to paper, to put something I coudnt undertand into something outside of me

I was both comforted, shocked and shattered by the comments

Comforted with the knowledge that at least one person felt something similar and although I couldn't see a way out of the pain they are proof that it does go away

Shocked on how meny people felt the same or similar pain and life kept moving, mine did to but it felt like it shoudnt

Shattered becouse at the time breathing made me brake down and I would read the comment with tears and snot rolling down my face

Im writing this now becouse I just saw one of the last vidios of they were in unxpectly and I relized how far ive come

I dont know when and i dont know how but the cripling pain started to dull 

It didnt happen overnight, the first two weeks felt like 20 years, but it got better

I think subcontiously I stoped looking at anything that reminded me of them, even now there are artest, pictures, vidios, etc i avoid but it helped a lot

I write this becouse even seeing that vidio hurt a bit, but it also reminded me they wernt perfect and its something im thinking about now

Grive gave me rose colored glasses and that video reminded me that ultimately just like any human they fell short and that doesnt mean they diserved this at all its just a reminder that athough they were great they didnt have it all together