Destined to lose, despite how I fought

I am literally so lost. Gone. Hopeless. I’ve been through a lot. This life. But I’m at the hardest time of my life. I’m so numb but still distantly feel everything. I finally said enough is enough after 7 years of marriage. Someone I thought safe. Settling, even. My past trauma and hurt left me so guarded and *** bent on never feeling so worthless, I barely survived.

My choice of this person that I later had two medically fragile children with the same rare metabolic genetic disorder would never leave me. Would be my confidant. A support system whatever that really is, because I never fully had one would recorrect all the abuse as a baby/child. And abandonment from both parents. I poured whatever I had left into this marriage/family. With little to no effort, as I recollect from him mostly the whole relationship.

Instead he furthered the abuse. Mentally. Emotionally. And physically. Especially when he’d “black out” drink. And attack me. My toddlers are 5 and 7. I pushed. I fought. I changed. Tried to grow for the betterment of our family. I can’t understand how someone could appear so normal. Endearing even. Then just hate/despise me. I’m not the easiest person to live with. Or be with with all my past baggage.

Now I’m fighting to breathe. See another day. I feel so boxed in. I’m so tired of the let downs. Disconnected placement. I pushed for therapy. Tried to ignore the red flags. And consistent lack of fight or effort. Despite being punched in the face. Choked. Dragged out of my bed and even attempts to kick me while on the ground after being dragged from my bed. Only after I was trying to make him aware that he was yet again peeing in the middle of the floor.

I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to stay here for my children. But I don’t see anything showing things really working in my favor. This divorce. I didn’t truly want. But I was put in a place where I had no choice. Him the primary bread winner. Though I wanted to buy a home. And saved money, off two seasonal positions and tax money. I paid the down payment. He never appreciated it. Or me. And I now have to see that he never ever really loved me.

I have no one in my corner. No one to bat for me. Friend or family really. Just buried my granny’s ashes today next to her husbands. She was the ONLY person that showed up and attempted to be a constant as she raised me from three years old. Now she’s gone. I belong to no one. Supported. Despite us never being what I think I really needed emotionally, she tried.

Through Al this divorce mess. He keeps skating by. No license. No insurance. Bought a breathylyzer on his own coalition, to provide peace of mind. Though he still says he doesn’t have a drinking problem. Agreed to all this in mediation. And then reniged after everything was almost done. Despite winning the mediator over some how. So she became bias.

I’m so sick of fighting for another day. Fighting for hope. Fighting everyone just to be felt like I’m heard. He victimizes himself. To anyone who listens. Even his family that he never actively cultivated relations with while we were married. Easily now come out and support him. After, he finally went to ny to rectify his legal issues. Which have been since we were married. He just springs in bringing the car to the home that is in both our names but loan only in his, claiming he paid everything and is turning the tags in tomorrow. I objected to leaving the vehicle here. As I had to purchase my own car (mediation in Md said we both needed vehicles) and it’s only a one car driveway. All of a sudden I’m getting calls from his aunt. His niece. Etc. supporting him, as if I’m being difficult. The car is registered in his name. And his name alone. He I later found out put my name on a whole Nother slew of policies including auto without my knowledge.

Meanwhile the only family member I have left. I asked to text/call him to see where he was with things after he told me to talk to his lawyer. And that I should start looking for other places to live though I’m caring for our children here. No one sees him for what it is. My uncle wouldn’t step or stand up for me at all. Meanwhile, his side. People he never talked to. He ran to to make me the worst person. I have no one. I’m heart broken. Alone. Crushed. Defeated. I feel justice will never find him. Hold him accountable for anything.

I have two little sets of eyes though that still miss him and want to see him. And I have never stood in the way of that. As long as it was/is safe. No one sees that. No ones sees me. Fights for me. Never have. Something’s are what they are. No matter how hard you try. I feel sick to my stomach. Can’t breathe a lot. I have no one anymore to try and reach out to anymore. It always falls on death ears.