Dream explained my depression better than I ever have.

So my depression got into my dream again and I broke down, and what I said actually was true, and hearing myself say it was just... I can remember maybe a handful of times I was genuinely happy the last decade or so, without the depression hanging over it. I say I have good and bad days, but really there's bad days and okay days. I said I don't want to play video games, my lifelong passion, anymore that's true too, I can't tell you how many I've seen that I should be jumping at the bit for, and I just favorite the video and move on. Now I've even stopped favoriting the videos because why bother if I'm never going to enjoy playing them anyway. All I do is waste time between waking up and falling asleep, and eat random junk food because it tastes good and is one of the few sources of, I don't even know, dopamine I guess, that I have. And I've been on so many medications for it and every time there's this little hope that it'll work and every time it's exactly the same. I've done everything everyone's told me to do and nothing works and everyone expects to just act like everything is normal and okay. And it's so easy to smile and say that I'm fine but I can't do major things like work or college or volunteering I just don't have it in me so I just live off disability. And it's been so long, I just feel so much of my life was wasted. I always dream of myself about 10 years younger than I am because the last decade I've just wasted away. They say you're supposed to cringe at your younger self, but all I feel is sadness at someone who had such potential, and being desperate for the happiness I used to feel, the hope and joy I used to have and who I used to be. I try to tell myself that person is gone and I have to work with what I have now, but when I'm talking with friends or people I know, I just think "what if they knew me before" or "if only they knew me back then" but I've stopped being friends with most of the people that did know me so now I can't even talk to them about it and it all just hurts.