Feeling anxious and confused

I made a posts about this yesterday, but I have some more I’d like to add, so ima make another one.

My girlfriend broke up with me recently, which hurt a lot. I was doing relatively “okay” all things considered. I was healing, but then 2 nights ago I got some texts from my ex. She sounded super loopy and weird, but I thought nothing of it. I thought she was just reaching out to be friendly, but then in the morning when she finally texted me back again, she apologized and said she got drunk. The big problem with that is… neither of us are old enough to drink yet. We are both still in high school. While I get this is an unfortunately very normal thing, when I was getting to know her before we dated, she told me how she hated the taste of alcohol and how she wasn’t planning on drinking until she legally was allowed. I don’t know why this is effecting me so much, but it keeps sending me into mini panic attacks. I don’t know if it’s because she betrayed the last bit of trust I had in her. I don’t know if it’s because I still care about her enough to want her to make smart and safe decisions. I don’t know if it’s because drinking in general goes against my personal values, and maybe that has something to do with it.

I am starting to regret ever dating her. Yes she made me happy while we were together, but… looking back she also caused me a lot of pain and anxiety. She ended our relationship pretty badly, and while I don’t blame her for it, it still stung. If I never dated her, I wouldn’t be as anxious. I wouldn’t be grieving the relationship she forsake. I wouldn’t be concerned about her drinking.

I know things will get better one day, and when I look back, I will not change a single thing, but right now it’s just so hard to trust that. All I feel is anxiety and pain and confusion and grief, and I am running out of ways to cope with it.

Do you ever feel like life keeps kicking you while you are down? Like every time you learn to start to live with something it throws something new at you and suddenly you fall on your face again, and are forced to pull yourself up, just so life can throw another thing at you?

I’m just getting sick of feeling. Just feeling anything in general. I’m tired of constantly pushing through life’s problems just to find another one. I am tired of caring so much about people who don’t seem to care about anything. I don’t plan on quitting life. I just wish I could pause everything.