Feeling pretty down right now

This is just me venting

I wish that I had friends and I wish I had confidence. I long to be loved for who I am and be in a relationship one day but it feels impossible. I feel like being myself is a crime. I feel so ashamed to exist in public. I have such high anxiety and anytime someone seems even a little upset I always blame myself and feel like I did something wrong. I know I'll never be exactly what I want. The chances that I'll actually be able to openly transition is like zero percent. I feel so sad. I'm sorry that this really down on myself but I just need to vent. I feel like there's this big cloud above me that won't go away. I try to forget about it. I try to move on but it always comes back and my anxiety feels like such a huge thing that I'll never get better from. I keep going back to broken communities that I have out grown because I'm too afraid to try something new. I hang around hateful people just because I'm used to them. I hate how hard it is to meet new people and do new things and when I do I get overwhelmed and take it out in unhealthy ways.