Gestures

I’m getting the habit of doing this and it seems to make feel good when I post to you all. I wanted to just vent out about this.

Gestures. Kind loving caring heartfelt gestures. Guess what?! They make me sad. Something hurts me inside when anyone does that. I guess I’m not used to having someone or people giving me or showing me love. I lived a life where I gave it my all and got accustomed to not receiving. I never understood why it was hard to reciprocate back but I managed to go around it. Now I stopped giving but only to those worth giving. A word of gratitude was just enough for me not to resent them for not being able to give back.

Back to gestures, I guess its normal that I feel this way since it wasn’t something normal in my life but it feels quite deep. It makes me want to run away from that person. Sometimes it feels that they actually felt that I needed to hear it or wanted it. I never came across as desperate for affection. Maybe I am?! They did this to me. Even the smallest thing like “ would you like a biscuit?” could feel heavy. 45 is hitting me hard to be frank. I’m feeling peaceful most of the time (content to be exact) and then it hits hard a second later. How am I ever going to give anyone a chance when I can’t let small gestures fill me with joy?! Is it the fear of abandonment? is it the fear of attachment?

Tell me what do you think? I know there are other more important stuff in our lives to think about and this might seem immature but its been bothering me the past few days. You guys are my “ go to” pour things out.

Thank you for even considering to read it and managed to get to the end of it. Truly appreciate it.