Going through a hard break up right now and I just don’t know how to move forward yet
I’m turning 30 in a few days and my ex is 27. It’s a 1 yr and 9 months long distance relationship. We started very strongly, he visits me often in the middle east, as I'm working for an airline there. He met my family in Philippines. We also did travel to other countries. Everything is almost perfect I can say. How he is as a person, how he listens, loves me, communicates… I never felt like we are in a long distance since we always talk everyday, we never let any of our chance be missed, and 24/7 whenever don’t have work, etc…
Not until just last year July 2025, he finished his therapy of 3 years and his emotions started to really affect us. We tried to work through it until this December 2025 before I fly back here to Philippines for a holiday and my birthday vacation. But things are just getting worse. He now can say hurtful words like he doesn't think he loves me as much like before, he feels like i won't be able to go to the US and be stuck in where I’m at forever. He lost trust that we’ll ever get a future together and that he can’t imagine us going through another 2-3 years of long distance. But before things got bad, he made me apply a US Visa once and got rejected since I don't have strong ties yet at that time. Even if I already had a gut feeling that time that I will be rejected but I still tried so I don’t make him feel disappointed. So since that happened, we decides to travel to another country that’s easier to get a Visa for me, since I have a weak passport and it would be a good background as well if I have a strong travel history. I always “almost” ended up applying for Japan Visa, Korean Visa, Australian Visa. But all of it never happened coz there’s always something that’s stopping me, either my roster with the airline, appointment schedules, or him breaking up with me again. As if that’s really God’s sign….
Every time he breaks up with me since July to November 2025, l always give chances wishing things will be different because he keeps coming back after 2-3 days of the break up. But whenever things got intense for him again, he just abandons me and say hurtful words again. Then last month December, we tried to talk things out again but even with that, I can't feel that he'll improve or things will improve, so I finally decided to ignore him with the texts.
Then last 30th of December, we talked again but at that time he never mentioned getting back together anymore. He said that his heart is locked away, and that he sees my efforts and that it saddens him to see me hurt, etc. And I also noticed that it's been a week that he didn't break our “no contact”, which is unusual and I just had a gut feeling. So I checked his socials from another account since he blocked me in everywhere, except whatsapp. Then I saw he’s talking to someone new already.
What's worse is that, she’s also a Filipina, 7 years younger than me, living in Philippines still coz she just graduated from college and a licensed engineer. It broke my heart so much. I felt so low, and felt powerless. So I just keep crying, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I feel betrayed because he told me he cannot do long distance anymore... and he lost trust that I will ever get a visa again where in fact I am more stable now with my airline job as I’m reaching two years of working in the middle east, plus I now have my own assets/business back home in Philippines..
I just can’t really understand how he can do that. Is there anything that I can’t do that she can… I believed all this time it was just about his mental health that’s why things aren’t working out. Maybe it is…. I can’t say he cheated on me, but jumping into another relationship right away that I don’t think is such a difference to our situation… It is so easy for him to throw our almost 2 yrs relationship, the trips we were looking forward to, the future we planned… I just can’t process it really…. From what I’m seeing him now is very different from how I first met him. God knows I tried everything….
@chaachiboom
Merhaba ben Psikolojik Danışman Ekrem Gül sorunuza yanıt vermek istedim. Yaşadıkların gerçekten çok sarsıcı. Yaklaşık iki yıl meydana gelen bir ilişkinin ardından, hem de “çok hızlı biriyle konuşmaya baslamasi” gibi bir tabloyla karşılaşmak; ihanete uğramış, değersizleşmiş ve çaresizlik hissedilebilir. Şu anda aglaman, uyuyamayan, iştahının kesilmesi “zayıflık” değil; Bedeninin ve zihninin bir kaybın ardindan çok normal belirtileri. Sindirmeye çalışıyor.
Şunu özellikle ayırmamak gerekir: Onun iliskiyi kesme biçimi (kırıcı sözler, gidip gelmeler, engellemeler...) sizin değeriniz veya yeterliliğinizi ölçen bir şey değil. Bu daha çok onun bağ kurma ve zor duygu yönetme tarzını gösterir. Bazı insanların ayrılıklarıyla acısıyla yüzleşmek yerine hızla yeni bir temasa tutunur; ancak “sen yetersizsin” anlamına gelmez.
Şu an için hedef “her şeyi anlamak” değil, önce kendini toparlayabileceğin bir zemini hazirlamak. Çünkü yoğun acı varken zihin sürekli senaryo üretir ve kendini suçlamaya kayar.
Bugün/önümüzdeki 3 gün için küçük bir plan öneriyorum:
Temel bakım: Gün içinde az da olsa su + küçük seçimler (çorba, yoğurt, muz, tost gibi). Uyku gelmediğinde bile aynı saatlerde yatıp kalkmaya çalış.
Tetikleyici azaltma: Sosyal medya kontrolü ve “başka hesaptan bakma” acıyı büyüten bir döngü yaratır. En az 7 günde “bakmama” hedefini koyabiliriz.
İletişim sınırı: Onun gidiş geliş döngüsü sizde umut–yıkım sarkacı yaratmış. İyileşmek için net bir mesafe (temassız) çoğu zaman koruyucudur.
Duyguyu regüle etme: Günde 2 kez 5 dakika: nefes yavaş + bulunduğun yerde 5 şey gör/4 şey hisset/3 şey duy… (bedeni “alarmdan” cikarmaya yardım eder).
Destek: Bu süreçte yalnız kalmamak önemli. Güvendiğin bir arkadaşı/ailenle günde 10 dakika bile olsa iletişim kur.
Ayrıca senin yazdıklarından şunu duydum: “Benim yapamadığım neyi o yapabiliyor? Neden ben yetemedim?” Bu soru acısının en keskin yeri. Burada birlikte şu bileşimi netleştirebiliriz:
İlişkinin bitmesi, senin “yetersiz” olmandan mı, yoksa iki kişinin koşulları/kapasitesi/sınırları uyuşmamasından mı?
Onun sözleri ve gidip gelmeleri hangi eski yarayı tetikliyor: terk edilmek, değersizlik, kontrol kaybı, gelecek güvensizlik?
İstersen burada bakabilirsin
Şu anda en baskın duygu hangisi: üzüntü, öfke, hayal kırıklığına uğramak, suçluluk, küçülme, korku? (0–10 arası kaç?)
En çok tetikleyen düşünce cümlesi ne: “Asla vize alamayacağım”, “Sevilmeye değer değilim”, “Kolayca değiştirildim” gibi?
Bugün seni biraz rahatlatan tek bir şey oldu mu (çok küçük bile olabilir)?
Eğer kendine zarar vermemişse ya da güvenlikten endişe duyuyorsa, kapsamlı bir şekilde acil destek hatlarına/yerel acil servise başvurman çok önemli. Güvende olman en önemlisi.
Bu bir dalga ve dalga dinecek. Sadece bu süreçte rutinlerinize sarilmaniz önemli.
Thank you so much for this. I will do this small plan you have suggested. 😔🥺
Hello there, sending hugs if wanted. I must say that getting out of therapy and saying this like this and jumping into a new relationship doesn't sound like he is healed yet.
It sounds like he wasn't your person, even if it doesn't sound like this now, someone better might be waiting for you out there.
I hope you can take care of yourself, please try to eat and rest as much as you can.
Also spending time with loved ones and engaging in hobbies or finding a new one might be a good idea to distract yourself. Sending you lots of strength. 💜
Thank you so much… 😔 It’s hard to process everything, really… Like how is that new one easier for him to pursue than to keep fighting for what we already had. But yeah, it happened already. Now I’m like, I wanted to just sleep it off once and when I wake up it’s been 6 months already passed and it doesn’t hurt anymore.. I really wish it was that easy
Well, giving up is the easiest way out, resillience is in fighting and showing up everyday. Unfortunately not everyone is a figter.
I understand the want to sleep off all the pain, unfortunately we have to show up for ourselves and do the work to heal.
Maybe coming to Sharing Circle would help you, you can get support there everyday 💜