Grieving a friendship

@jesusredeemedme2425 

I should preface this by saying I have anxiety, depression, and trauma.

A couple weeks ago, I had a mental breakdown while messaging with my online friend. The conversation started out fine, I asked her what times would be best to message her so we could chat. Though, I was feeling a little anxious before talking to her and I was telling her some of my fears about talking to people after asking when is best to message. She tried to reassure me and encourage me to talk to others in the *** group we're in. But I kept getting more distressed and kept telling her about my fears, how I feel about myself, and my previous experiences. Basically I just let it all out. That's when she sent me a long message that left me feeling really hurt, confused, and judged. Her message made me feel like I was being told my struggles are my fault, that I'm not trying, that I don't want to try, that I'm willingly punishing myself, and I felt pressured to do things I don't feel comfortable or safe doing. Then she ended her message by saying she cares, that I'm worth fighting for, and that I deserve to be loved and cared for. Last week, I decided to be honest about how her message made me feel even though I was terrified about being honest. She apologized numerous times, but told me that it's too much for her. That when we started talking, it was about a breakup, then turned into a lot more than she is comfortable or qualified to handle. She also told me that she has a lot on her plate and she can't be that friend who is there for me daily. But she says we're still friends and that she'll message me occasionally. While she was kind and apologetic, I can't help being upset about everything. I thought it was safe to open up to her about my struggles. She told me before that she's not qualified for mental health stuff, but I thought she meant she's not able to be my therapist. I wasn't asking her to be my therapist, just to help and support me as a friend; to help on a personal level, not professional. I also thought it was okay to message her daily because she told me to message her whenever and she would get back to me when she got a chance and that she has 2 friends who message her often. And I only messaged her daily because I was hoping there would be a day where we could chat like we'd done before even if it was only for a few minutes. I didn't know either things overwhelmed her, she didn't tell me before. And looking back at previous messages, I didn't get the impression that I was overwhelming her. I also didn't know our friendship was supposed to stay really light and casual. It feels like I was just supposed to have her help with my breakup and then that was it. I'm fine with a lighter friendship, but I wasn't explicitly told that sooner and I really wish she had been more upfront about things before it was too late and I unintentionally overwhelmed her. And even though she says she thinks fondly of me and will message me occasionally, I feel like deep down, she probably does think I'm not trying and that I'm a burden and probably won't message me again. I've been trying to grieve this friendship, but it's been harder than I thought and I can't help blaming myself. I feel like I ruined this friendship and I don't particularly want to try to make other friends for fear of overwhelming others. I didn't mean to be too much for her, I thought it was safe to be vulnerable with her and that it was okay to message her daily. She even told me to be vulnerable and let others in, but then when I was vulnerable with her, it was too much. It's all so confusing and a lot to deal with.