Help Me Help Myself

I’m searching for any steps that can help me find inner happiness. Suggestions are very much welcomed from anyone who has struggled or still feels the way I do.

I’m a 38-year-old married man who is unhappy with many aspects of life right now. More than ever, I feel weighed down by depression and sudden bursts of rage over the smallest inconveniences. I hate it. I want to change. I want to find peace—not only for myself, but for the people I love.

In the past, I saw a psychiatrist, but after a while it felt like the focus was only on renewing my prescriptions for Lexapro and Xanax. I don’t want to live dependent on medication, especially when it often feels like it isn’t truly helping me heal.

I love my wife and my family dearly, but I struggle with showing affection. It’s not that I don’t feel love—it’s that I tend to stay to myself, and it hurts my marriage. My wife is beautiful and means so much to me, yet I know our relationship lacks intimacy because of my inability to express it. I don’t fully understand why I am this way, and I want to change.

Recently, I started a new job after being terminated from my previous one, where I worked for 11 years. That termination was my fault, and I take full responsibility for it. But in a strange way, I think it was meant to be. I had been unhappy there for years, staying only because of the pay, position, and convenience. My mental health declined during that time, and I became complacent. Now I’m starting over in a new job where the schedule is inconsistent, the pay is lower, and the future feels uncertain. I only have a high school education, which limits my options—not because I’m unintelligent, but because traditional school never suited me. I learn at my own pace, and when I struggle to grasp something quickly, it often triggers my frustration and insecurity. On the outside, I present myself as confident, but inside I’m filled with self-doubt.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my past. My childhood and young adult years, up until around 2008, were full of happy memories—even though there were challenges too. Looking back, I realize those years were when I felt most alive and carefree, even if I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Now I find myself longing for that sense of joy and simplicity. Responsibilities aren’t what weigh me down—it’s more the feeling that the world we live in doesn’t value mental health, and that “adulting” has become a heavy burden.

I’ve always turned to hobbies, like playing softball, as an outlet. But even that has lost some of its joy. My body isn’t what it used to be, and injuries have taken their toll. My confidence in one of the things I loved most has faded, and that loss hurts deeply.

The truth is, I feel lost. I hate the rage and sadness that live inside me, and I’m desperately searching for peace. I don’t want to go on being miserable—it’s unfair to my loved ones, and it’s destroying me from within. I am not suicidal, but I do often find myself wishing I had never been born, wondering if things would be better for everyone if I weren’t here. I know my absence would hurt my wife, my parents, and my closest friends, and that’s what grounds me. Still, I can’t ignore how much it stings to feel people fade away from my life, leaving gaps that never quite heal. Each loss chips away at me, and I feel like I’ve reached a point where those stings have built up into something that’s breaking me.

I want to heal. I want to rediscover happiness, to show love more openly, and to live a life that feels fulfilling—for myself and for those I care about. I’m asking for guidance and suggestions, because I don’t want to keep living in this cycle of anger and sadness.