Hopeless and defeated, exhausted beyond measure!

I've been holding a lot in. And this year has been the worst year in a long time.

Strain and stress from my marriage. Has physically affected me.

Lost my hair. Teeth shifting. High blood pressure. Vitamin d levels critically low. Weight loss. Headaches. Trying to deal with my own mental health. I have bipolar. Bpd. Anxiety. Depression and ptsd. I have two medically fragile children.

Don't make enough to support the mortgage that I put money down on to even purchase.

My husband has been mentally, emotionally and in drunken black out fits physically abusive/an attacked.

I'm extremely hopeless and overwhelmed as we, well I as a last straw decided that enough is enough, as he was not to drink and did so anyways. And did his classic pee anywhere in the house but the bathroom. Coincidentally, he peed in the hallway on the chair that I bought our 7 year old to sit in to practice his music.

When he woke, I gently asked if he had anything to say or share. He said no. Then I mentioned the urine in the hallway. That once he got up, he obviously cleaned up, as I was in another room with our children that were sleep, because I can never tell what mood he’ll wake up in. When I mentioned the pee, and it being cleaned up, he lied yet AGAIN, saying he didn’t clean anything up. But I have proof as I took pictures. Lied some more by saying oh I don’t recall cleaning anything up, once I presented the picture.

I’ve tried endlessly with this 45 year old man (10 years older than me) to put in effort and fight for this marriage and he has never reciprocated. I thought maybe in time, and communication he’d do better but he never has. No matter the issue, I’m to blame. I’m taking “digs”, I’m being aggressive. When I speak and even if it’s just us in the room he literally doesn’t acknowledge or “hear” me. He’s gotten so drunk he’s punched me in the face. Amongst other things, and when he was made aware of it. He says he doesn’t even remember doing that. As if that’s some kind of justification.

I fought so hard for this marriage, hoping he’d show some growth. And as it’s ended, still cold. No remorse for his action nor feeling to 7 years I committed to faithfully despite all the lacking. I’m so heart broken as I was abandoned by my mother and father. And abused as a three year old. My mother promised to come back for us, yet when she returned only took the young of the three. Never to return. I told myself I’d never be in a similar situation or feel like that again. And yet here I am. I don’t know what to do anymore. The hopelessness and despair is crippling. I can’t see a way out or up.

The only mother I did have, was my great grandmother and she recently passed last month. I feel like I have no one. No support but still responsible for all the the medical supply and medication orders amongst other things. Nursing care. Etc. someone please help.