How can one love one's self?

@Dreee I'm still struggling with this myself, practising self love is not easy🙁 the things that help me most is art and crafts creating something I can be proud of makes me feel good maybe even special🙂 also doing the little things that make me smile, things that remind me of gratitude. For me it's simple things like sitting outside, watching the sunrise and hearing the birds wake up. Gives you a giant tiny hug 💗 good luck sweetie 💗

@Dreee hello 😊 it's vital you love you first before you can ever see how much you deserve to be loved by others. When online forums refer to self care, it is refering to exercise, healthy eating, doing something that you love, feeling good in yourself, for example if we didn't wash or get fresh air or sleep sufficiently, we wouldn't feel good . For me it started small, I hated compliments, never took a photo, never used a mirror, I carried deep pain, I slowly started by daily writing even one took I liked about myself, and built it up, i took photos, i looked in the mirror, for like five seconds, but i built it up, it took practice, a new mindset and honestly hard work. I genuinely want the best for you and for you to truly fall in love with the beautiful person that I know you are, take care and best of luck with everything from the bottom of my heart ♥️

Hello @Dreee, what helped me to become my own love lmao (from embittered 2021 self to a more compassionate 2024 self-- wrote about my transformation here) was:

1.  a lot of community support (I wasn't shown love at home so I didn't know how to even 'love myself')

I have received a lot of help from my past mentors and counsellors/therapists who reminded me of some goodness in the world, who spent time guiding me and showing me ways at work and in navigating mental health, they made me feel worthy of investing in myself.

I begin mirroring their compassion towards myself--e.g. the past me would have condemned myself and the whole world for every minute mistakes and ideas that don't align with me (mirroring my parents).

Versus now, with the help of books and community, I begin to examine my own relationship with myself--what are my triggers telling me? How can I change my warped/twisted perceptions? Are there new perspectives out there from therapists/7cups community (both members and listeners)? I believe self-discovery is part of self-love. 

2. A lot of showing up for ourselves.

From them^, I started assembling new set words of encouragement and learn how to come up for air during challenging times of distress (especially when I feel unloved by my family and bogged down by external events/when self-esteem is challenged). distressing time reveals how much we can actually take care of ourselves. 

i.e. I started journalling about what self-acceptance is like for me as prompted by one of the 7cups listener. I started detailing the qualities and limitations i see in myself (stuff that were constantly overlooked by my parents and how I've internalised it over the years), to embrace/self-validate the good quality (my sensitivity) and correct some of its limitations, e.g. being less dependent on how others see me.  

It helps ground me, that uncomfortable and foreign self-affirmation does help maintain an objective way of seeing myself independent of external events/people. But I'm treading it carefully bc I don't wish to be full blown delusional, so there's still self-doubt in the way. 

It is still a work-in-progress, happy if you guys could share some insights on this too.

Although, truthfully self-love really can be a lot, I believe you @Dreee already harness the intrinsic capability of self-love by showing your willingness for self-honesty, discovery and betterment.

One advantage us people pleasers have in common is being highly attuned to others, which can be easily directed back to ourselves and you're very attuned with your own self observations. Maybe you might want to go into detail with yourself on why you resort to people pleasing tendencies--it could be

1. you're just genuinely helpful but misunderstood by others (it could happen, sometimes people take giving nature for granted) but you might feel bewildered as to why they don't consider your feelings (overwhelmed like you can't always show up for them and they shouldn't have that expectation of you despite your good track record).

idk I'm just listing one non exhaustive example here. 

if in that case, actually acknowledge your own needs. 

Relationship involves certain degree of reciprocity let's be honest.

You may need acknowledgment of your help, you may want some appreciation for it. If the other can't express it, then do it for yourself i.e. acknowledge that you need to feel appreciated and in whatever case, you're not and so there are limitations to your giving nature and it is time to devote your energy to your own needs where you feel appreciated.

E.g. I have the habit of attending to others first so they can give me the peace of mind to do what I want but that wasn't the case. 

I like to use: "I enjoy helping you the last time, but I don't have the capacity to help you now." 

I then created a list of things I'd like to do, prioritising my own needs: listening to one podcast episode, reading, journalling, working out, going for a walk, make myself a meal. 

I've been called names and well you know the endless tactics of manipulative people but I've made my peace and I think I deserved that. 

As mentioned above, you've got a lot of good qualities in you that I hope you can explore and not discount it! 

I'm excited for you to embark on this journey! Though it can be a lot, perhaps never-ending and hmm sometimes unpleasant (disrupting old relationship dynamics), I hope you foster greater commitment to yourself. 

@Dreee

Listing why you consider yourself insecure and needy might be a good start. Following it with ways to tackle.

But do note that self-esteem is fickle and often reliant on external validation. working on your self acceptance is definitely worth exploring. 

Idk if this has to do with age, basically self acceptance was impossible for me in my early twenties -- I was working a lot on boosting my self-esteem by: 1. tackling my insecurities with excessive dieting and workouts (if you look good you feel good). 2. often getting into fights with parents/exes insisting they see my value. Basically a whole lot of superficial stuff to fuel external validation until I feel so sick of myself. 

I don't blame myself for it and don't think anyone should because fitting in meant survival. So, keeping a mental note of what self-acceptance can bring might just be enough 

It was and still is a big concept and it is different for everyone--some people may need to face some life altering event to hit an epiphany on self acceptance (it took me years to fully internalise). 

Don't have a one-track formula for self love/self acceptance success but you're on the right track (really well-attuned to even evaluate yourself truthfully), and your efforts will culminate! 

Self love feels selfish. It's a big journey and you will explore how to do it eventually by reading books, articles, psychology , or human behaviour stuff and manipulation tactics. Get strong and knowledgeable. Learn how your brain works and how people act. Learn what has caused you feel the way you do and why you act the way you do.

Dont be afraid to be rejected nor to reject. Don't feel upset if you upset someone who is taking advantage of you.

You need to address and find the root cause of everything you consider insecurity neediness etc. Fears or abandonment or that you are not worthy or anything else may be underneath. You're worthy no matter what.

But in a few words your brain is used to do all you mentioned and feel a specific way. Rewire it by changing your routine and patterns by changing your beliefs. Reframe yourself by looking at yourself as a third person. Ask yourself how do I look to a third person when I act like this.

Read the book - reclaiming sanity - it's going to give you an eye opening. Read other books about anything else.

Build a routine in your workspace/ studies / self appearance/ behaviour.

And last but not least, clear your space from anything and anyone who doesn't bring you joy. If you can't then keep a distance. Your environment plays a big role in how you feel about you.

Find the root cause, plan a strategy to improve, adapt and elevate.

I hope you find your path! 🙏🏼

Yeah it’s hard. It’s definitely a process and not an overnight thing.

@Dreee

What helped me was to first identify what made me hate myself.

What makes you not like yourself?

Once you identify the issues, next step is to ask yourself:

"How can I work on this?"

"How can I fix this?"

"How can I learn to live with it?"

"What needs to happen so I can start working on this?"

And, important: "What qualities, if I had them, would I love about myself?" and, "How can I work on getting them?"

Sometimes, what we hate about ourselves might come from the jealousy of others, of unhealthy expectations in today's world where we are obsessed with comparing ourselves to other people, like, social media, for example.

While I can't say I'm madly in love with myself (far from it), I can for sure say I now tolerate myself, respect myself, and don't think of myself as the 'worst' guy anymore. It took lots of work to get here, though, and it's not something that will just magically come to you.

Practicing discipline and getting your goals done is the most important step, and that is even if you do just the tiniest amount of work on your issues, every other day—tiny steps are steps after all.

...Also, needless to say, there's another thing that may help you a lot, it for sure helped lots or people I know—change in perspective.

Look around yourself—you will notice lots of imperfect, sloppy, ugly, horrible people, who can be morally considered bad, evil, selfish, abusive—ones that from moral standpoint have no redeemable qualities. And yet, lots of them love themselves. Lots of them have thousands, if not millions of fans who madly love them and look up to them. So, there comes the question—are you really that bad, worse than them? Are you really that unlovable? Because the answer is no. No, far from it.  Hope this helps.

@Dreee I didn't .. Jesus did. I said screw everyone including myself and I put what little faith and hope I still had in my heart, and gave it to Jesus and he showed me what true friendship is. Now I accept myself. And I respect myself because He does. And He created us and deserves our respect. But truthfully, it is all thanks to Him that I have overcame every battle I have faced. We are always giving ourselves the credit, rather than the current pulling us along. 

I simply remind myself that I will enter my own grave. I only have me. I only trust me. I only understand me. I only know my story. I only know my path. It is a human need to crave love. Sometimes other people can’t give us what we need. It’s important to detach from the worldly things. But because we are human, it is difficult to in times of need, stress, or grief. It’s important to love yourself, but also put yourself out there for the world to see how much you love yourself. In return, you might find someone who loves you for you genuinely, or it might be a scammer. You just have to constantly return back to the world with love & grace. Just like you have to constantly return to God with detachment and submission.