How to forgive yourself?

This is a letter to him, a man who broke me. He will never see this, but I wanted to write. Hope (better not) you can relate.

TW: Self-harm

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You weren't willing to give me the love I wanted. I tried to settle down for what you could give me. I failed. I failed and I hurt you by blackmailing you.

I don't remember much and I guess this whole blackout is due to the trauma your existence in my life was, but I remember sending you self-harm pictures when your actions didn't match my expectations. You said you didn't love me like I loved you, yet your actions made me confused. I was naive, seeing the reality distorted. I was a teen, too young. You were 15 years older. I didn't know what you knew.

Some songs remind me of you, and I just heard one about pushing someone you love away. And I guess I did that to you. I didn't mean it, though.

You had every right to leave, but you left thinking distorted things of me.

All I did… all I said… all I showed you… was to make you see how much I loved you. And, yes, I did it the wrong way. I did it the only way I knew: blaming myself for not being good enough.

I wanted you so badly in my life… you treated me with respect and with no air of superiority because of your age. You gave me happy moments and I'm so thankful for that.

I'm mad at you, G. But I shouldn't be.

I'm mad at myself too. And I shouldn't be either.

We made a compromise to stop talking, because you knew that your "not-reciprocate" was hurting me. We thought it was the best decision.

Now I see it wasn't, because people leaving or abandoning me really shakes my world. But when I realized that, I couldn't tell you that. You are unreachable. I miss you like ***.

Damn, G. You were the best friend I have ever had in life. I miss you every day. And I guess I blame myself so much for it.

I think I have already forgiven you.

But me?

No. That's a deeper wound.

I obviously won't send you this. But I hope you think of me fondly. And I hope you miss me in a good way.

And I hope I can forgive myself one day.

Because you know what? I deserve some peace. Some joy.

And that won't come from anyone else. Neither from medication. It has to come from me. This is a battle of me vs. me.

And I hope someday this won't hurt in my chest like it still does. Because it's been hurting for 5 years and my dearest heart wants a break. A break from itself, which you broke. We broke it together, I guess.