How to just be? How to let go?

I know I am not perfect. I know, I know. But how do I stop beating myself? How do I stop hating myself for the mistakes that are unexpected from my choices?

How did I end up loving myself base on the opinions of others, others reactions to me, and others behaviors to me?

I was not out to hurt anyone intentionally. Maybe the choices I made weren’t the best and it upset others, it annoy others, or somehow it just triggered an unwanted negative behaviors from others. Yet why do I clings on to these energy and determine my worth, my state of being, my peace, and my deserving from these??

I am so lock in on being “good,” being “right,” being “perfect,” being “friendly,” never be rude, never over step, never make people upset at me, never annoy people, never-never- the list goes on.

One time, I was too absorb on my phone and forgot to check n move up the drive thru so the person behind me honk at me along with yelling out their window. A honk was fine but to yell? I felt horrible. I shouldn’t be because I didn’t deserve the yell. Yet I blamed myself. That if I had paid attention, the a hole wouldn’t have the opportunity to yell at me.

I changed lane in heavy traffic and got yelled for it. I made a judgment that there was enough room and I had signal and moved accordingly, trying to make it to the far right lane for a right turn. It was just unfortunate that the car ahead of me stopped to the red light and so I was not fully in lane. The second the light turn green, I had enough room to immediately complete my change and got out of her way. This did not deserve any yelling. I have seen worst done to me n I just accommodate them cause i understand thing happens. While I was unhappy, I also blamed myself for not following my initial plan because if I did, I wouldn’t be seeing this a hole too.

At the laundromat my washer was done. It appeared all the carts were occupied expect one in front of a still running washer and there was no one to ask. My clothing was easy to move out so I grabbed it, planning to hurry up and returned it before the washer was done. Apparently, I didn’t check the time on the washer and I wasn’t fast enough. I heard an older woman said someone took the “—“ I didn’t heard the last word I just fill it in. She didn’t sound upset and probably was just telling her friend but I still felt very bad. I quickly tossed my clothing into the dryer and turned around to bring back the cart but saw the person already had another cart moving their load so I left the cart at the end of the counter for others. Maybe it was bad manner of me but I really thought I could get it done and return the cart. Maybe I would have feel better if I could have return the cart before the washer ended or at least bring the cart back and apologized if they were still looking for a cart. I felt horrible. I felt I had done the worse of the worse. I wasn’t just bad, but I deserved to suffocate. I have to not upset anyone for me to feel good. If I did something and they’re upset or I thought them to be, then I don’t deserve peace. I must be torture for this bad feeling for hours on end. Something like that.

any mistakes I make at work even if I had correctly fix it or take the proper step to notify my supervisor also lay heavily in my heart. I used it to blame myself and said I am bad at my job. But if I was so bad, wouldn’t I be fire already? I just got a freaking raise so doesn’t that say my good out beat my bad? No one can be completely good, completely right, completely perfect. Some day I could make very bad choices and that would upset some people, the wrong people. The right people wouldn’t be upset. They would understand, be respectful, and be human.

I thought I love myself but am I really loving myself if I let myself feel this way? I am just human and I recognize that but I didn’t let myself be human.

I wrote all this and I couldn’t summarize what my problem is, what my question is. Or maybe my ego just need to be praise.

If you read it this far, here - take a can of sugar free soda. Sorry for dumping this long paragraph here. I just need to say something because I know what I am but I cannot accept and use what I am not, using the mistakes and unintentional oversights to determine my whole worth. I know but I still fall so easily into this self loathing, self pity, pit everytime. Getting out is very hard. I just need one wrong choice for all this to come back.