I am losing my mind

I've been unemployed for over a year

I am losing my mind

I can talk about the tole that not having an income for a year does on a person and some of the things you may expect but the one thing I did not expect is the impact that not talking to anyone outside of my family is having on me

Every day feels the same in the morning I apply to jobs and just hope that I get an interview for one, I reach out to recruiters, am on LinkedIn for far to meany hours, and brainstorm of clever and new ways I can stand out - perhaps I can buy a billboard or have my resume written in the sky outside of a HQ, perhaps I send a cake with my resume printed on it or I pray that they see my resume in there dreams anything to have me stand out at this point

Eventually, my phone rings and I mentally battle with myself, I know if I pick up its a parent wanting something for me but if I dont they will call again and I will feel bad because they are the reason I'm even remotely surviving in this time. So I pick up and sudnily im spending 3-8+ hours doing something for them.

My mom decided to go back to school and although I am proud of her, it has resulted in me doing all the tech work for her and at times the school work. I dont want it to sound like im doing more then I am, I am not moving a mountain, I am spending hours trying to explain each assignment, translating things, getting her into meetings, ect. and all of those things take time, a lot of time.

Eventually, my dad may call, he may want me to take him to his appointment or simply listen to him talk for hours. He'll discuss ways I can get employed for hours and I'll get irritated as I lison because trust me when I say I have tried it all. 

I love my parents dearly but it is exosting only talking to them and constantly doing things for them.

Today I found myself in tears as I did my moms homework, I started to question what I was doing with my life.

For the past year I have been waisting my life away helping everyone but myself. It feels like I am throwing away my youth to spend it helping others. The thing is I cant do much till I get a job but I cant seem to get a job in this market. 

Add this to the fact that I have a mortgage that I am months away from being able to pay and have put everything I have towards, and everything else, I am losing it. 

Not to mention TOM is coming so my emotions are all over the place and I cant tell if this is me or TOM 

I am losing my mind

I keep on thinking - something has to work, something has to change, things have always worked out and it will work out again but I dont know how true any of these are anymore.

I couldn't tell you the last time I spoke to any of my friends, which is fine I am an introvert. 

I couldn't tell you the last time I went more then 2 hours without thinking about the fact that im unemployed

I couldn't tell you the last time I had pure joy 

I couldn't tell you the last time I went a full day where someone didnt need something for me, it got so bad that I implemented no talk days. Days where I dont talk to anyone and turn my phone on DND that way there is no way someone can ask me for something

I couldn't tell you the last time I went two full weeks without a mental breakdown

I am lossing it, i am lossing me

I just dont know what to do

I want to get a job in a new city and reinvent myself and if I could I would but I do think that when I do it it will leave the one's I support hanging and Im back on forth on if its my responsibility or if I should live my life

Im losing my mind

I did everything I was meant to do, I went to college - got a technical degree, started interning in HS and intered almost every year in college - got an offer letter form every place I intered for,  was part of leadership and held multiple positions at my. school, ect.

I did it all and now I'm left more lost then ever

Even when I speak to the people that helped my accomplish all those things they are as lost as me and dont have any advice

I dont know what to do

I am lossing my mind and myself in the process