I don't think I'm okay, but I have been in the past, and now I'm confused.

When bad things happened when I was really young, like a fish died or something, I cried. But when I got older I don't really cry when bad things happen, like funerals or life's various unhappies. I'll have a bad day and normally someone would cry into their pillow or whatever, but I don't? I have to be like, dude this sucks, just cry about it maybe that will help. Then my eyes just hurt and the tears absorb back into my eyes. Or it will be for something random, like the bad treatment of the home depot plants. What?

I have an amazing life. I'm smart, attractive, and have food, a good house, and two parents who love each other and me very much. So why am I feeling bad so much? I get days where noise is louder, I jump at being touched, or I just feel so out of it. No reason, usually. I also can't sleep very well.

And recently a friend said some things so I reported him to the school councilors so they could help him, and it's not going well so far. I feel so out of it. Not very happy, and my mom asked if I was okay. I said I was just tired, because I can't really say, oh yeah I just messed up my friend's life and now they are worse when I was trying to help them, and they might not talk to me the same anymore. There would be questions, and I've already betrayed his trust.

Of course, I also have no motivation to do my schoolwork or clean my room. Yay! I know I could technically do it but I just don't feel like starting, and my mind is blank, sort of. I can't stop thinking, just constant inner voice it's annoying. But sometimes it does just "Uhhhhhh, give me a sec. Hold on. Maybe a minute"

And I zone out so much. But I feel like I am faking that too. I am so worried and bad at humaning. Thankfully I talked to my mom and will go to a therapist on friday, but I need some magical solution it feels like, but of course that doesn't exist. I don't know what but I keep going, I can't stop. But why? I could slip into a really bad state any time now, not getting up, not talking so much, apathy or just sad. But I don't? Don't say that's good, because it's not I think. I think I'm worried to be ok too, though. Is anyone actually okay? I don't understand how you can be happy all of the time.

I'm in middle school, I feel like I'm an adult and a child at the same time. I've got the stress and tired and the fact I can't get a job or manage my own life, because I have to follow my family's schedule. it's nice sometimes, but I often feel restricted. I was such a mature child, and now I feel like I just either am silly goofy childish or sad, down, irritated feeling. Although sometimes I feel like a parent to my friends but I can't do enough for them. And watching my friends being able to unmask and act childish or be sad around me is so important to me, but sometimes I don't love being the "therapist friend", and I feel so icky after f'ing up with one of my closest friends. ugh. Anyway stay safe out there