I have questions but I still have faith in God.

I lost my father when I was young.

My mom raised us, after 10 years. I had a step dad. We were so grateful, we are lucky to have him. He did well taking care of us, my mom and my siblings.

11 years passed by, My mom had an early stage of cancer. Luckily they caught it early, and she became cancer free.

Covid came, my mom didn’t had a chance to go to hospital for checkup due to lockdown. Then my mom had cough for 1 year. We found out the cancer is back but now, it’s in her lungs. Stage 4, terminal stage. She had 3-6 months to live. She didn’t make it on 5th month.

After 1 year, my stepdad died too.

My siblings has their own family already. I was left alone. I always ask god, does he really wants me to be alone? Was this his plan all along? I was still grieving but then I need to grieve once more.

I’m working, I can say that I have a nice job. A job that my parents will be proud of me.

I am in the era that I wanted to give back to my parents. I want them to experience what I’m experiencing too. Whenever I eat to a fancy restaurant, I always think of them, like I hope they were here. I hope I can let them experience this too. I hope I can bring them to this destination.

When I was young, My dream is to bring my mom to a grocery store and say “Mom, get whatever you want, whatever you need, i got it.” But sadly, It won’t happen.

I feel jealous and envy, whenever I see parents, I am the kind of person that I want to give my parents all the things they deserve, now I can but I have no parents to spoiled to.

There are times that I’m thinking, do I deserve to be alone?

I’m a good person, I went to school, had good grades, got my degree, have a good job but why did this happened to me?

When I was in college, I am so excited to graduate and look for a job. Bcos my priority is my family. I want to have a good job so that as early as possible I can treat my parents. Don’t get me wrong it was my decision to give back to them.

I experienced to lost a dad when I was young, that’s why as much as possible, I want to treat my parents.

Sometimes, I’m asking god, why can’t you just bring me there too? Cos I was alone anyway. Let me be with my parents then.

I just wanted to have a complete family. I have money, I have time, I have all the love that I can give but this is something that I will never have again. And that’s heartbreaking.

There are times that I’m begging God, please, I want to be with my parents. Cos what’s the purpose that I am living here but I don’t have a family.

I’m asking, what’s the purpose of living like this?

But, I still have faith in God. I know time will come, I will understand everything.