I just feel lost, alone, yet so in love

I've tried hard all my life to never let anyone in. Because I was always the person people went to for help. I was always the person to talk people down from bad times and distract from problems or sadness. But i finally let my walls down for the first time in 10 years...

But recently my mind has been flooded with emotions that I just can't process. I met a girl that I truly care for and want to do nothing but help her heal and be the one to make her smile. Everytime I see that smile it melts through my heart. But she's throwing mixed signals... somedays I feel that she cares, then others I feel like I'm invisible... just a distraction from her traumatic past... she's told me that it's not the case. But she won't go exclusive with me. I know she's seeing others too...

I want to be the one that helps her heal. That shows her that not all guys are the same. That I won't leave her if she gives me the chance. But I feel im never going to get that chance.

This situation is making me overthink and dwell in my head. I've lost interest in everything that once made me content. I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. My recent job change making me feel like I've accomplished nothing.

I lowered my walls for this girl, for the first time in my life I wanted to let someone in. Let someone get close. I've never been able to feel vulnerable around anyone. I brought that on myself with this persona I have created for myself. But I just don't know what to do anymore...

I'm lost, alone and yet so so in love...

*** this isn't a plea for help or attention... I have no intentions of doing any harm. I just felt like I needed to get this out there. Get it off my chest... ***