I just need to rant.
So I graduated today. I’m super happy about that, but there was something that rubbed me the wrong way. A group of friends from my school said that they wanted to go out after graduation. I told them I’d totally want to. No response from the group chat. Day of graduation comes and I congratulated them when they went, but when it was my classes turn, they didn’t even come to do the same. Then they left without saying anything. Someone in our group chat asked if they left? Someone said yes and they just sent that “location tracker “ thing Whatsapp does to find them, but I was just so done and didn’t even bother trying to look for them. All I’m saying is a heads up would have been so nice. A part of me hates myself for trying so hard to be their friend and I STILL want to be their friend for some reason. I get there people with their families and people are congratulating each other, but it still would have been nice to say something. If you are Italian, please tell me, is this an Italian thing?! I am a foreigner who moved here and I’ve been trying so hard to understand everyone. I feel like some of this stuff is common courtesy but I don’t know what is anymore. It also sucks because my crush was one of the people in this group as well. Regardless, I’m not going to let this ruin my night. I still had a great time with my classmates and I’m celebrating with them tomorrow as well. I just needed to get that out.
@kindSpruce8353
Congratulations graduate! For sure this most be a happy day for you. Living in a foreign country can be confusing in trying to understand how everything works. The group outing is baffling. You have to wonder if they were aware of their actions. You say that a part of you hates yourself for trying so hard. I applaud you for trying so hard and for having the determination to go after what you want. You may find that this is not the right match for you in terms of friendship, and that is okay. You come across as being someone who would make a wonderful friend. Good luck on this!
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. You’re right. I don’t actually hate myself, I think it was just in the moment. I think I need to go back focusing on myself before I make a decision with what I want to do with them. I’m glad I still have others that care about me and I am thankful for them.
@kindSpruce8353
Many congratulations for graduating ✨️ three cheers for you! 🎉
It is a hard thing, not to be thought of. And a hard lesson to learn, to know who is worth your efforts and who isnt. If they can overlook you in such a big event, how do they treat the quieter moments? Do you like how they are with you, or how they are with each other? Do you think these small hurts will be worth their friendship?
And if the answers to all those questions are noticeably sad, then isnt there someone better to give your friendship to? And if there isnt, wouldnt that energy be better spent on yourself, making your days a little lighter instead of heavier?
I hope they come around, and treat you more kindly, but dont do too much waiting, and lose yourself in the process
Sorry for the late response. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I’m hoping they come around to, but you’re right. I have to acknowledge the reality and see where I want to go with them. I’m going to distance from them and focus on myself. Like you said, I need to see how they treated me in the past and choose what I want to do. I think I need to think about it before I come to a decision, especially since these thoughts are still fresh and I am really emotional. Thanks again :)
@kindSpruce8353
Congratulations, Grad! You worked hard, and now it shows. Let no drama cast a shadow on that achievement.
I've learned the hard way someone can be your friend without you being theirs. To be honest, I've come to find most of my friendships have functioned that way for, in some cases, decades.
I've also learned that in most cases, I had all the data I needed in the first years of those friendships to have spared myself a ton of headaches. I excused, justified, or ignored that data to preserve friendships that ended up taking far more from me than they would have if I was honest with myself at the first signs of them being one-sided.
This is probably not the first time these friends have made you feel excluded, uninteresting, or like you have to always be the one reaching out, I'd guess.
It's because they don't care. Why they don't care is anybody's guess (and it's self-torture to speculate on, so try not to), but people don't act this way when they truly love others.
When I want someone at my party, I text, I call, I follow up, I ask what drinks or food I should have for them, I ask if they need a ride, I tell them sure, bring your kid, bring your dog, bring a friend, I don't care. There's no question I want them there. That's how it looks when your friends know the party will suck without you.
That saying, "when somebody tells you who they are, believe them?" That is the most true statement in the world. They just told you how they felt. Believe them. Because they WILL be telling you again. And again. And again.
Friends are great, but friends who make you feel lonely are often worse than enemies in the long run. You just thank them in your heart for the good times and for giving you the opportunity to learn a lesson about what kind of relationships to look for in the future, and you let go in a state of gratitude that makes you a better person after.
@limePrune3751
Thank you for your kind words, your advice, and for sharing your experience. You really helped me out here. I relate to your words, especially about having all this data and still making excuses for them. As hard of a truth as this might be for me, you're probably right. I am distancing myself from them currently before I make a decision because this is still really fresh and my mind makes very dumb choices when I am in an emotional state, but I am NOT going to talk to them from this point on to see how they really feel about me. If they reach out, great, but if they don't, like the way you put it, they'd be telling me how they felt.
@kindSpruce8353
my friends are doing the same thing, just leaving with only telling one person and not asking me when i have the means to go - and im not saying they need to tell me everytime but just remembering me every once and awhile would be nice
@Ocelot1628
I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. I feel the EXACT same way. I would love if they acknowledged my existence every once in a while too, 😭. I don't understand why people do this. I would never do the same to them and would want them to feel included. I really hope the situation gets better with your friends though, but if nothing changes, I know you'll find better people for you because I know you'd find people that are similar to you who are inclusive and would do anything to make someone feel involved. If you ever need to talk about it with someone, I am here, especially since I am going through something similar. I wish you the best 💙
@kindSpruce8353
Yes, exactly! I dont know either, I feel like i always try to take everyone into account and let them know what the plans are if i notice someone drawing away I’ll reach out. So why then you guys make plans you only let either people it doesn’t affect know, or just tell like one person. Like last weekend my friend invited me to a party and i was planning on going and (i know bad) but i was gonna just tell me parents i was hanging out with a friend but then logistics didn’t work super well for so i didn’t think i would be able to go and same with my other friend and the first friend like jokingly starts calling us boring, but like its not us its our parents. So then she was like just ask your parents and i called my dad on speakerphone with her and asked (cause she was gonna give me a ride and possibly stay at her house after), and he was like i need to talk to your mom. Like okay that makes sense and later (it was a football game and then a party) i was at the game and one of the other girls goes “oh so and so said her parents said no”. Like hello??? She was supposed to drive me there and her parents said no (after she called me boring) and she didn’t tell me. Like what was i supposed to do then. (My parents said no anyways but like still) - and this is my new group cause my old one was worse. But seriously like if you’re going to ask everyone smth then you should keep everyone up to date. Your friends could’ve at least said hey all were leaving, see you later if you want to come
Yeesh. Wait, so the same friend who also couldn’t go because of her parents turned her back on you and went anyway without you?? If that’s the case, that’s awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you. No person deserves that. She not only told everyone you weren’t going, but was supposed to be the one driving you, called you boring for something that is out of your control, and she decided to go without you after saying all that. Not trying to make any assumptions about them, but that’s really messed up and really says a lot about how they treat people. If they don’t end up being the people you thought they were, I’m hoping that find people that are more accepting of your situation and are able to meet you in the middle when it comes to hanging out with them.
@kindSpruce8353
that is horrible but no i was just upset because she was supposed to drive me and then turned out she wasn’t able to go but i was basing my argument to my parents that she would drive me - then her mom said no and she told her other friend that she couldn’t go. The problem is she was supposed to drive me and didn’t tell me she couldn’t go - so say i fought with my parents are they finally said yes and then turns out she can’t even drive me so it was for nothing. She’s amazing with some other stuff but that just really hurt that she thought of people it wouldn’t affect before who it would affect.
@Ocelot1628
I completely took that out of context. I'm sorry you went through the trouble of doing your best to convince your parents to go, just for your friend to tell you last minute that she cannot take you anymore. She should've taken your feelings into account and told you right away, especially since she was the one driving you. She should've told you first, not the other friend. Time is valuable, and having that time wasted because the person that was going to get you to that event told you she couldn't anymore last minute instead of giving you enough time to find another way to get there sounds frustrating. Many emotions built up leading up to such an exciting event and having that excitement suddenly be taken away from you is draining. I felt this every time I felt left out from an event. Built up emotions for an event I was excited for, just to be disappointed and consumed by anxiety. I also understand about thinking your friend is good at other aspects, but not with this. I feel for you here. I know we're all human and we all are probably going through something, but I also don't understand why people are good with other aspects of a friendship/relationship and then are just not good with you in social situations out of nowhere. Regardless, I hope that everything turns out great for you.
@kindSpruce8353
Yeah it doe suck, i dont understand why some people struggle to think of us when they do things we should be a part of. And yes exactly, i know im not perfect and neither are they but this is like a valuable part of our lives so it hurts when they dismiss that. Its hard that so many people are going through this, im sorry you’re friends did that, and actually on your graductionation day and you were just left behind. Like they talked about this, at what point did we forget about this and why are you also after play it off like our feelings are nothing. It’s OUR special day and for all these friends it’s like how could you forget about me especially if i like a message. Like recently also my friend kept talking about going off campus for lunch and she was like i really want to go but i dont have anyone to go with, like GIRL I literally have my off campus pass too what made you automatically disregard the fact that you could ask me. Im not even that upset but it just hurts.
BUt seriously why is this normal, who thinks they’re special enough to just forget about their close friends. You deserve amazing friends as well, and i mean you graduated so maybe you’ll meet more people to add to your friends that will treat you amazingly where ever you end up going next.
@Ocelot1628
Thank you for your kind words. You deserve amazing friends too. It's good to have someone that is going through something similar. It's good to talk about this and it definitely helped for sure. Also, you're so real for the off-campus lunch situation because I've felt the same way in similar situations 😭. Your friend was literally complaining about not having anybody to go with in front OF SOMEBODY SHE CAN GO WITH. I can see how that'd affect you and probably make you think "does she not see me as someone?", ESPECIALLY when she is telling this to a person she is close to. That can make someone feel devalued and make them question if she even thinks of them as her friend in the first place. I hope that she considers your feeling more or find people that will. I've been on the same boat multiple times and it sucks. Wish people were clearer with what they wanted in a friendship, so we don't have to waste time trying to read their minds 😂.
@kindSpruce8353
EXACTLY, like hello I’m here. I dont understand it or like if tat was truly the case you could turn and ask be like wait do you want to - just asking shows a huge understanding and that you’re thinking of them and takes like two minutes hello. We both deserve amazing friends and no one should get treated like this. I love my friends seriously but sometimes it feels like I’m fighting to stay in the group and maybe i can also reach out more but like still
