I'm scared

Trigger warning

For everybody else, vacations mean rest, peace an having fun. For me, it means having to deal with my parents. In most of if the year, I don't see them so often, because of school, and I'm mostly out of their control. In holidays... It's hella different. When I was 9, I moved from my original city. And now I live in my country of origin.( Where my parents were born). Often, we go back to this city, that was like another home for me. This year, many things changed. Everything. At least, in me. I discovered my parents were both narcissists, and it changed my life. I no longer stay in denial of the way we live. And I understood how controlled I am, how the way my father acts is much worse than I thought. And memories came back. It's awful. I remembered the *** I lived in my city of origin. The trauma. And I understood last vacation. We went there, and I felt so bad and didn't know why. My sister and father were seemingly fine, but I was feeling ***. And now I get why. Because he does it on propose. Discovering the truth is freedom, but also the fear of all of this repeating. I feel trapped. We went back, and I'm scared. Scared of becoming my past version, controlled. Scared of the drama. Scared of feeling bad. Scared of all returning into the surface. With him, in a small appartment, I can't escape. Here, there's no school to go, no friends. Here, there's no help. I remember feeling suicidal, I remember my hardest times. I just want to go back at my country. And on top of that, I'm scared that he'll want to return here, and that I'll stay with him, stuck with them forever with no freedom. The scapegoat.