I no longer view my brother the same

One thing Im learning in this season of life is that you have to eventually meet the adult version of your siblings and they may not be what you expect or used to see them as

I can write at langth on this topic but for now, I will leave it as that

For now lets discuss what I really came on here to talk about, my brother we'll call him K

Im the youngest of 4, the older two had a close relationship and K and I had a semi close relationship

He is 3 years older than me and we are different genders and both those things at times made it hard for us to have an extremely close relationship but we did life together

I can talk at langth about all we did but in short, we experienced all the ups and downs that came our way

Growing up I saw him as my brother who in some ways I looked up to, we experienced things that are uniquely to us and although we had our ups and downs I adored him

As he got older I noticed he became the "black sheep" of the family and I became extremely protective over him, I saw him as misunderstood and it was my job to protect him in the ways I could

He became my older little brother

He also had the qintesntal middle child syndrome, which made me even more protective 

He is also very sensitive and everything hurt his feelings which again adds to my protectiveness but also adds to me being more reserved around him - you just don't know what triggers him or pushes him over the edge

As we became adults I thought I knew who he was becoming and he was changing in ways that were good

Then the other day we had a bit of an argument 

It was centered around, how he views me, how I'm not as open to him as he would like and how he doesn't appreciate how I treat our parents 

To the last point - I dont treat my parents poorly but I have been passive-aggressive to them, I've been going through the hardest season of my life and I think I have let out my frustrations on them so he does have a point and it is something that I am working on

With that being said the argument made me realize that he is not the person that I thought he had become 

Through the argument, I learned that in short, he sees me as inherently bad and as a spoiled little sister

He wants me to open up to him and says if I say something he disagrees with no matter the situation he will speak up

Honestly, im tiered, his prospection of me is so wrong is so many ways and I go back and forth on if I want to correct him

On one hand he's my brother that I love dearly and should care what he thinks of me so I should correct him

On another had he will automatically think my correction is coming from a bad place and not take it and what I say may hurt him witch will perpetuate his negative view of me

I've come to the conclusion to let him think what he wants the alternative may do more harm then good

He says that I am the closest to him and as I think about it - I think that's crazy 

As adults we know nothing about each other and my life consists of making sure I dont say the wrong things to him, witch is crazy becouse even then he still see's me in a negative light

He says he wants me to be more valuable but the few times that I did he used the info to throw it in my face and the few times I boo ho cried to him I said something he disagreed with and had to state his point not to mention we share one mutual friend and by accident the friend told me K told him something very personal about me witch I didnt want anyone else knowing 

None of that makes me want to open up to him, but he's hurt about that

I want to care but I dont

Its all to much, living on eggshells scared that I may breathe wrong and he breaks down and EVEN THEN he sees me in a negative light

It almost feels like he feels initialed to my vulnerability or he wants me to apologize for not letting him in

I will never say sorry for being private, I'm very intentional with who I let in and Im very observant about how people react with other people's info, there is a reason why I am more forthcoming to some people and not to others

Not to mention he is mad that I bent the truth to protect something somone told me and wanted to keep private

1. I didnt lie- Did I not tell the full story, yes Did I slightly bend the truth, yes but I never lied

2. It is none of his business and was not mine to tell

3. I live off of the belief that unless stated otherwise or an emergency what happens with me and another person stays between the two of us, I will never and have never told anyone business without there permission

All of this is exosting, it felt like I was on trial the way he spoke to me and to top it off he does this thing where after an argument he apologizes

Im not the type of person that needs an apology, I think they are just words, the best apology is changed behavior 

I say that to say it didnt mean much to me and he was sorry for something so small and insegfigant 

He made a fair point about the way I treat my parents, and although he could have said it better he was right but thats about all he was right about

I've come to the conclusion that I dont care enough about our relationship to correct him and even if I did he is to hard-headed to believe what I have to say and he may cry over it

I love him dearly and always will but how he views me is no longer my responsibility, I know who I am and more importantly, who's I am and thats all that matters

I will aways have a relationship with him, he's my brother and business partner 

However I cant live a life where im walking on eggshells everywhere I go, thinking will this trigger him or will he think the worst of me because I said this this way and not that way

This doesnt get anyone anywhere

Eventually someone will have to speak truth to him irrespective of if it hurts him or not, I'm going through a rough patch right now and dont have the mental capacity for it but once im on the other side I may be the one doing it