I shoved my sister
My sister (36) yells at me (33) a lot. We both drank too much one night and she thought I drank more than her and that I was being annoying and didn’t agree with me for calling her friend a *** (he wasn’t there). So she started yelling at me for it. Usually, I run away and cry, but this time I argued back and didn’t let it go. She’s tried to control me my entire life.
I demanded we resolve it away from everyone and in a better way this time. For the record, I wouldn’t back down. I refused to run away this time. She ended up getting in my face and I shoved/slapped her away from me. We aren’t talking now. She called me a month later, but started yelling, blaming, and freaked out on me again. So I hung up. Any advice? I’m thinking our relationship is ruined bc she can’t admit her wrongs, she can do wrong in her eyes. We were best friends, but she’s also acted like my mom my entire life, and I’m tired of it.
If you want to live a life of peace, toxicity will have to be removed, from the root.
That also includes one being a family member. If distancing yourself is better for your mental health, you should consider it.
You reacted in a way completely different from what she was expecting, there will be a rebuttal from her end.
Nothing, should ever cross the line of self respect
So I should be away from my parents? I feel like I never heard and all the plan I've made must yield to their plan. And I feel like they just want my achievement and demand me for more without giving enough support.
I won't dictate who you should or shouldn't engage with. But being family does not mean you can be a doormat.
There are lines that do not have to be crossed. Period
Thank you 🥰
I agree with what Iamthebat said.
Also, I am not sure what the history with alcohol is in your family but if it is in the misuse and abuse category (meaning that it is used in place of processing difficult emotions) then it can be extremely difficult to reach a common ground. Sometimes if an addict is so used to processing their emotions with substances then they may feel like they don't know how to process them logically on their own. This can create a disconnect that is hard to bridge especially when the person using the substance does not admit that it is affecting their relationships around them. Physical violence can also create a barrier especially if the person is already uncomfortable with expressing their emotions to begin with. I hope that you are able to talk to your sister and reach a common understanding. ✌️
Thank you, yes alcoholism is common in our family. But my sister is unwilling to face it, like most of my siblings. I’ve gone alcohol free once before for over a year and they are the reason I relapsed. I am now alcohol free again, about 2-3 months 🥰
@emmabeard333
I am sorry you are conflicted but also glad for you that you stood up and are not backing down... i did the same with a sibling i was a bit younger then you are when i set my boundary down hard as well as her. Family is no excuse to be treated badly period.
There is no time frame to reach an understanding... that is NOT the same as what i think your sister wants in you backing down and letting her have her way. it will take time for her to realize the new dynamic of your relationship.
your achievements are yours and not your parents.
Yes, I think the time frame thing has me tripped up, but I need to wait until we’re both ready, even if it’s a year sadly
@emmabeard333 sounds exactly like me(27) and my sister (34)
Although she has good qualities the bad overtake the good. She has been the bird feeder, as a mom to us but her temper and not accepting it's her fault, blames others always others for her faults, insulting, dominating . Domination is been throughout my life I don't understand y she wants to control my life. What I wear what i should where i should work what i work what i should study? I don't understand y she does it. But when I tell this to a stranger "they say " "oh she cares alot of u she loves u shes like your mom " I'm like i don't want her to be my mother she can stay in her own sister role. Cuz if I tell her to do something she won't do. She ll listen nod her head but will not execute it as if "talk to my hands" . I'm sick of it too i understand.
My parents were basically nonexistent growing up so she undertook the role of being a parent to me. While I appreciate it in some ways, in others I can see that I let things go with her that I shouldn’t. When she crosses lines, I’m too scared to voice that I feel disrespected bc of her reactions. It’s very much like a parent/child relationship and I have to now navigate how to reestablish a different relationship. It’s tough!
Good for you for standing up for yourself. You are navigating life for YOU, and have every right to defend your opinions/feelings.
She may always feel she is right, and you may believe that you are right, too. In this circumstance, I’d give space and agree to disagree.
i’m sure she was surprised that you stood up for yourself when she knows you typically do not. That may be what she is still “angry” at.
Because realistically, who holds a grudge over being told an opinion on a friend? Yes it’s annoying, but it’s an opinion. Not always true/false.
PLUS, alcohol brings out some ***! And that’s okay. Sisters do this. I know me and mine do!
Take a deep breath. Give it time. Respect her space. Agree to disagree. And focus on you. Don’t keep trying to mend it. Let time do that. If you feel like you can’t go forward without her in your good graces, (no matter your opinions on the situation), explain that you didn’t intend for it to go down/so far like that, and that you would like to put it in the past and agree to disagree on the things said that night. I personally would also express that we are both grown up enough to have these disagreements but that your feelings are just as valid and should be respected, otherwise, there is nothing to be said on any heated matter … it hurts, I know. But peace is your biggest priority, and no one has your back quite like you! (And me! Haha)
I was ready to “agree to disagree” when she called me, but she clearly thought I was going to take the full blame. When I didn’t, she resorted to arguing and yelling again. So I’m not sure how to mend this, considering I will not discuss details or accept blaming/yelling.. I suppose a lot of time here is the only option. I hate the thought of letting more months pass, as we were best friends.. but unfortunately I was a better “friend” to her and more forgiving, and now I have to draw lines. I expect it could be several months or a year before we’re able to reconnect in a healthy way. Especially since she’s going to continue drinking, and I’m not planning to.
Not even about no longer being best friends. She is, and always will be. My point of view is that she never expected for you to react that way and is going to assume in time you will take blame. If you do not feel you should, don’t. Give it time, give it space. And calmly talk it out when both sides are ready. No one has to take the blame.. you both have opinions. Agree to disagree. If you NEED to say something, text it out to her … be understanding but still express that you wish she heard/accepted your feelings regardless if you don’t agree. DEEP BREATH. Otherwise, maybe a third party can sit and listen to both sides and help… OR, journal/type it out for yourself to let go of all the negative feelings. Don’t consume yourself! I am in the midst of doing that myself and it is eating at me so much that k can’t enjoy my days…. How do you feel today? (Sorry for the late reply… I am having a hard time navigating the app!)
Thanks for your response! I haven’t gotten the app down either. I’m better. My husband feels strongly that I need to let her be the one to mend things and I do too. Otherwise, I believe this could happen again in the future unfortunately. It makes me sad that it’s festered so long to the point that it will be ongoing.. but it’s bc she doesn’t know how to take ownership and I’m unwilling to do the work for her this time. Sigh! Hope you’re able to let go as well with your conflict, that’s my main priority with this!
@emmabeard333
That's a tough situation, but abuse is abuse. Whether you overcome the abuse through better boundaries, dialogue between you and your sister, or by removing her from your life, you deserve to be free of abuse. I wish you the best of luck my parents and brother are quite abusive as well and I wish you didn't have to deal with what you're dealing with.