It’s Been a Day…
****TW****
My old best friend, who I haven’t worked with in years, came back to work with us again. He and I used to be close and texted all the time, and we got each other through some very hard, emotional nights via text. Last night, I finally told him about my dad and stepdad dying (within a year of each other, a couple years ago), and about my eating disorder. We had a good, yet slightly awkward conversation (I chalk that up to the lack of contact and depth for years). Then I got his number again. I texted him, but he never texted me back. I worked myself into an emotional frenzy and depression because of it today. He and I have had our share of arguments, and we stopped texting at one point. I don’t remember why, and I don’t even know if he does. I just worry that he wants nothing to do with me, and that he only humored me in giving me his number.
I had a hint of a headache half the day today. Meds didn’t help for hours…
I was also drawing a ton of drawings tonight (see my other post), and I was looking for easy drawings, because I didn’t have the bandwidth or patience to draw something more complicated. I drew some simple drawings, but I kept getting down on myself because I thought they looked stupid. Basic. Too childish.
Also, tonight (possibly due to the circumstances of the day, but also because of my eating disorder), I ate an embarrassing amount of food. Burritos, ice cream, BBQ chips, challah… Like I told someone else, it’s like I’m The Very Hungry Caterpillar… but I’m not hungry.
My PTSD about men has gotten so much worse since a man abused me 2 years ago (tried to break my finger and physically threw me out of his car). It’s gotten steadily worse over time. It’s gotten to the point where I find men repulsive and vile, even while still being attracted to men. My thoughts and daydreams of any potential romance are almost immediately tainted with fears of abuse and men who become Jekyll and Hyde. I can’t stomach the thought of a relationship right now, not because I don’t want one, but because I’m so deathly afraid of being hurt again.
Well… I wrote more than I planned to… But I guess I needed a place to vent this and let it out. So… Thank you. I may be the harbinger of joy on this site, but behind the painted smile, even clowns can feel the weight of their own tears. Sometimes I’m trying to cover up the deep wounds I carry, the scars on the inside that you can’t see…
@jesusredeemedme2425 Hey Kiara.... thank you for opening up. I knw that probably was not easy to write but I want you to know I read every word and I am really glad you shared it. You have been carrying a lot... grief and trauma ... and it makes complete sense that things feel heavy and tangled rn. I dont have any quick fixes and I’m not going to feed you empty optimism but I do believe this --- you’re still here, still creating, still trying—and that matters. It really does.
About your friend: I get why that silence hit hard. You shared something real and personal and not getting a response leaves a painful void. Whether he meant to hurt you or just didn’t know how to respond or whether he is taking his time to respond that lack of clarity can mess with your head. But what you did...reaching out honestly—that was brave. And it was a form of closure... whether he shows up now or not.
And the eating the drawing, the spiraling thoughts—they are all ways your mind and body are trying to cope even if it feels messy or out of control. You are NOT failing. You are responding to pain. And pain deserves compassion, not punishment. I wonder if it might help to pick one small ritual for yourself each day. Not as a fix but as an anchor. A simple check in, like drawing without judgment for 5 min or stepping outside and just noticing the air or simple as writing it down what you are going to eat before you eat (some people find writing down overwhelming , if it is like that for you then dont do it... but others find it grounding when u have a sudden craving for food, writing it down makes you think.... I dont know if it will be helpful for you but just putting it out there.. or you can allow yourself to have a bad day without guilt ) or journaling like writing a sentence like “Today I made it through”... nothing big... just something that reminds you you’re still here. Still fighting in your own quiet way.
I know trust, especially with men feels impossible right now. That is not weakness. That is survival after what you’ve been through. There is no shame in needing distance while you heal.
If nothing else please hear this... you are not too much and this world is better with you in it...even on the days when you feel like a cracked mirror of yourself. You don’t have to be “on” all the time. You’re allowed to fall apart. And you’re allowed to take your time putting the pieces back together.
Take care Kiara. We all, 7cups community, love you.. . I see your efforts to make other people happy and even if you have "off" days or low energy days and you are just surviving... the universe is a better place with you in it. Give yourself the same kindness that you offer to a stranger.
Love you!🫶
@azurePond I missed a comma😭..... please read it as.. * "And the eating, the drawing "..Sorry for that!
Also, I just wanted to say that I really admire how self aware you are. The fact that you can recognise your patterns and put them into words is such A BIG WIN in itself.
Go, Kiara, go!
@jesusredeemedme2425
It is so good that you felt able to share this. It is incredibly brave, as putting oneself out on display is a nerve wracking experience. @azurePond said everything so perfectly; all the things which I guess many of us would wish to say to you but might be unable to form our thoughts coherently or express them with such eloquence. Thus I will not attempt to expand upon it, as I feel she already spoke what was in our hearts.
It is hard to hear someone in such distress without feeling the overwhelming urge to want to protect them and take away all the things which cause upset and pain. This is in no way a suggestion you are not capable of defending your own corner, but rather the instinct to offer solace and comfort to someone we care about. It takes courage to open up and wisdom to self reflect honestly. It is also good to be reminded that behind the smiles and joyful façade, there is a complete and complex person.
@jesusredeemedme2425 🙁 hugs you tightly 💗💗 my sweet friend I wish there was something I could say to take all your pain and troubles away. You know you mean the world to me, and I'm always here for you 💗 you don't always have to the happy girl, wearing a mask can really take its toll on us. I love you, just for being you 💖💖 hugs you again 💖 I love you 💗
I binged again tonight.
@jesusredeemedme2425
That's okay. We all seek comfort when we feel we need it, and food can feel pretty darn comforting at times; all that pleasant feeling releases of dopamine and seratonin. I hope you are not berating yourself about it?
Many of us have done/do/will do at some point the exact same thing...so if it is something to be sent to the naughty step for, just know you will have lots of company who understand. (And other than being crowded, that will be one interesting and fun filled naughty step).
So how do we go about making our good friend feel better once more? What can we all do that gives you that little bit of a boost whilst you find your feet again?
Idk
@jesusredeemedme2425 Hey Kiara...How are you now?..... Do you want to talk about it or do you want solutions (I am not a certified person to give advices but I can ask someone) or do you want distractions? or do you want space?
I’m ok rn. I stopped myself from eating too much tonight and had a mint, which I’m hoping will condition my brain to go, “ok, food time is over” lol
Also, he finally texted me :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Just checking in to make sure you are ok, and let you know we are all still thinking about you.
Awww thank you :) I’m ok, trying to do better :) I ate a new fruit today too :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
New fruit? *Is keeping fingers crossed that pizza has been reclassified as a fruit*
I’m trying to eat new fruit every work day! I’ve tried a passion fruit, a pepino melon, an opal apple, a red pear, a black plum, a red banana… and probably more I forgot lol
Today was the pepino melon. :)
@jesusredeemedme2425 I looove passion fruit!.. especially the sour ones😭.. Now I want a passion fruit
It was too sour for me hehe! You can have mine lol
@jesusredeemedme2425 Thank youuu 😭 I know it's not the healthiest choice... but I sometimes add sugar to my passion fruit to balance out the sourness. Honey works too.
@azurePond You can add maple syrup also ( I know I am a food criminal)
@jesusredeemedme2425 *offers hugs and good vibes* its true that you make cups a happier place, but noone expects you to be happy all the time. It wouldnt be fair...Im sorry things are so difficult. I dont have any advice to give or really know how to help, but I know that things are harder when facing them alone, so im really glad you mentioned this all on cups. Take things easy, do them your way...and know that we're rooting for you, through every up and down 🌟
@jesusredeemedme2425
You've been through a lot. Sorry about that. But I can see you are still strong and can get through it and back to a healthy place. I'd say, just try to face one issue at a time, and make baby steps in the right direction. This 7cups is a very supportive place, so its good that you're here. Hopefully you're getting some of the support that you need.
On behalf of men, I'm really sorry that you experienced abuse at the hands of a man. Just know that all men are not like that. I hope you can try again for having a relationship when it feels safe for you to do so.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hey I hope you're okay I have recently recovered from BED and anorexia after 15ys it will get better I have a L account if you need someone to talk to .
🫂
What’s BED?
Thank you! <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm glad your friend finally text back. I know some times when it takes someone too long to reply back it sets off anxiety and alot of overthinking. I hope since he replied back it's set your mind at ease
In all honesty, @azurePond said it best, " You are NOT failing. You are responding to pain. And pain deserves compassion, not punishment." We all cope in whatever ways we can. Some ways are good and others not so good. But we can learn better ones, take steps forward. It can take time and we need to try and be patient with ourselves.
You've been through a lot and I'm so sorry that you have. The world can be a hard place but there are soft spots to fall. Like here. There's a lot of good people here that care about you and love you. We're all with you for the good times and the bad. Be gentle with yourself ❤️
@jesusredeemedme2425 hey first of all thank you for your honesty, your courage and your sheer resilience, I can hear the pain behind your words, and see all you are dealing with. It can be easier to put on a mask and be someone else but at the same time, that does not make you less funny, less awesome or less talented, it allows you to cope. You are dealing with alot and you had a traumatic experience with a man, it will take time to process that, but only when you give yourself space and time, will you be able to detatch those feelings and experiences from all men. I wish you all the best and I'm here for anything you might need, every clown needs a circus 🥰
