Life Is not Like You are Told, Life is Much Harder

Back in 2021, I graduated from university. I was that tech-savvy guy, always ahead of the game when it came to computers and learning new things. But lost my motivation for it and departed. It was like a passion that fueled me. I used to be good at programming. I then started Android development, gaining skills but quitting it again. This was a tendency for me related to my mental health difficulties. Went into therapy which helped a bit; therapists could be better where I am from.

Long story short, I was very pushed once I graduated. I interned in a considerable company as an IT tech and was much ahead of anyone in it. I wanted to go to another city for better job possibilities, but family considerations got in my way, and I could not. At the same time, my mental health took a toll on me, and everything spiralled downhill. Family issues prevented me from pursuing better opportunities, and I sank into a deep depression. Two precious years of my life slipped away, lost in isolation, trying to escape my struggles. I plunged into a spiral of depression and adopted different coping techniques, hoping to escape from the disaster I am. Cut off from everyone and everything, fleeing from my challenges.

A month ago, I self-reflected on myself being 27, that I could not live like this anymore. I hauled myself out of the hellhole of my thoughts and started working on improving myself. I joined a small company to regain my skills, and it's okay if they don't pay.

The thing is, it's suddenly hard for me now. Either I have lost my programming talents, or everything has become more challenging.

It might be depression has ruined my brain or something. Or perhaps everything has just become more challenging. I desperately seek help to understand the simple concepts better, but it feels like my mind has dulled. I need aid to learn the principles effectively, attempting to make sense of everything— Doubts creep in, questioning if I am dumb.

Recently got back on *** to join a couple of scholarship groups to test my luck. All my classmates have excelled in their lives. Some are travelling abroad, some have joined reputable firms, and some are pursuing higher studies.

Seeing my peers succeed while I'm still struggling amplifies my sense of failure. They ask me for JP Morgan Chase) for what I am doing (they think I might be working), I lie to others about my life, hiding my feelings of inadequacy.

I grew up in an abusive household. I always had issues. Mental health is not prominent in my country, and my parents never paid any heed to my symptoms. Following the breadcrumbs, I might have some significant disorder(bipolar 2 or ADHD), but due to my high performance in school (maybe high IQ) never exhibited itself. My constant low self-esteem, losing motivation in whatever I start, difficulty making friends, being awkward in situations, always trying to impress others, being wanted to fit in are some of the symptoms that go back as far as I can remember. I recently went o see a psychiatrist, but I got scammed, lol.

In my desperation, I've even resorted to taking Adderall to focus on learning again, but the struggles persist. You might say you are still young, this and that, but regrets are regrets. I don't blame my parents either. It's just life. But looking back at my childhood and the kid I was, I did not imagine my future like this. With my talents as a kid, my parents always compared me to others. This feeling of comparing my life to others has followed me to adulthood, and I couldn't help it. I wish I could return to childhood and hug and tell myself to live for myself and not others. I want to return on time, spend time with myself, and teach myself how to live. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself "Hey Kid, Life Is not Like You are Told, Life is Much Harder"