Looking for Understanding and Comfort
Last year, I consulted a psychologist because of childhood trauma. I'm not fully healed, and there are still questions without answers. Then this year, problems started piling up. By June, I began feeling hopelessness and sadness. By July, I became suicidal. In August, I had my first consultation with my psychiatrist, and the medications helped. However, I could only afford two sessions because I couldn't handle the fees, and my family is also struggling financially. I stopped taking medication this November. The feelings came back. Some days, I feel extremely down, and the next day, I feel almost normal. But the saddest part is that I can no longer feel joy.
Whenever sadness strikes, I keep it to myself. I just cry it out in the bathroom. I chose to keep it to myself because if I don't get the comfort I'm looking for, I just end up feeling even more frustrated and even more down. Right now, I'm feeling incredibly low...
I want you to know that you’re not alone, even when it feels like it. It’s like you’re in the middle of a storm, trying to stay afloat in a sea of emotions, and sometimes, the waves just seem too high. But remember, storms always pass, and you have the strength to weather it, even if it feels impossible right now.❤️
Think of yourself as a garden that’s been through a harsh winter. It’s okay that the flowers aren’t blooming just yet, and the soil feels dry, the warmth of spring will come, even if you can’t see it now. You’re still growing, even when it feels like you’re stuck.
I know you mentioned you sometimes can’t feel joy anymore. That’s like trying to find the sun when the clouds are thick, but the sun is still there, just hiding behind those clouds, waiting to break through. It may not seem like it, but you will feel its warmth again.
You’re strong, even on the days when you feel like you’re falling apart. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle ,sometimes, the pieces don’t seem to fit, but eventually, the picture starts to make sense, even if you can’t see it yet. You’re allowed to cry, to feel frustrated, to not have all the answers. That’s part of the process. But know that you’re not broken, just taking a little time to find your way. And when the pieces start clicking, you’ll look back and realize just how much you’ve already accomplished. Even in silence, you are healing.
It’s okay to keep some things to yourself if that feels safer, but I hope you also know there are people out here cheering you on, rooting for you, even from a distance. You’re not invisible, and your pain matters. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m here if you’d like to talk
I felt the need to say I hear you and so sorry for this. I know this myself if it helps you to hear that at all. At least know I stand with you in solidarity of your experience. Hugs and strength to find lasting Peace.
@SparklySeas49 sorry, let me clarify some of that. I didn’t have childhood trauma in traditional sense. My issues are a lack of good connection and being abandoned by my best friend through adolescence and high school (and I carried that into adulthood) . I too became seriously depressed and attempted suicide at 22. I saw psych, put on meds, therapists, the whole nine. I managed to find a life somewhere in thirties but relationships fell apart, and then a chronic physical illness doomed me. Our triggers aren’t the same but the end place is. That’s the solidarity. Sorry for the wordiness. I don’t want to pull focus onto my details. Anyway, serious hugs for you.
I'm so grateful you shared this. It sounds like this past year was extremely challenging to say the least. Despite enduring such difficult emotions, I can't help but be inspired by your ability to reach out when you felt it was too much. It takes a great deal of physical and mental energy to find support and I'm so glad you began pursuing different options.
I do empathize with how expensive good therapy is to access on a routine basis and wish we had a better system. In fact, I wish we had some kind of adult camp where you could go to put your life on pause and rest, heal and regain the strength to rebuild parts of our life back up that need attention. Life can be overwhelming enough when you're feeling well, but the routines, demands and constant responsibilities can be excruciating when your inner life feels so out of line and unsupported.
I wonder if you could imagine yourself as if you were your own child... a child you loved more than anything and wanted only the best for. What might you do for yourself looking through that lens? Never underestimate just focusing on the basics when you're feeling so low... making sure you're getting out in nature, getting quality sleep, eating well and connecting with loved ones.
It makes sense that you're having difficulty accessing feelings of joy while you're working so hard managing negative feelings. Stay encouraged that joy and happiness are waiting for you to experience again. Healing is not a linear path and knowing when to reach out is a skill that takes practice. It's a skill you're already accomplishing- even by posting on here for support💗 Stay strong and take care of yourself. Your feelings matter and you're allowed to take up space with your pain as you continue on your healing journey. 🌷
